“Ava’s going through a rough patch,” Maria said as we sank into cushions on her back patio. We’d planned on a walk that evening, but her husband had to work late. Instead of giving up our time together, we decided to sit outside to chat as her daughters watched a show indoors. When I asked Maria what she meant about a “rough patch,” she glanced quickly at the back door, then leaned forward, and said, “It’s everything. Friends. Low grades. Low self-esteem.” Maria paused. “These last few months have been really hard for her.” As I tried to gather words of sympathy, a peal of laughter from her girls erupted inside the house. I turned to my friend. “That sounds hopeful,” I said.
Have you recently asked yourself, “How can I help a child through a difficult situation?” Or have you searched for the answer in a friend, a book, or on Google? If you have, you’re probably feeling helpless and a little uncertain right now. But as long as you’re doing these 3 things, you’re giving your child what she needs most to get through a rough patch.
1. You give your child your time.
“I stay up with her and let her talk,” my friend Tina told me. Her daughter Cassie had been facing some mean girls at school and it caused her child a lot of anxiety. “I’ll sit on Cassie’s bed at night and just listen. If she wants to talk about what’s happening, I want to show her I’m there for her. I’ve stayed as late as 11!” Even if your child isn’t a talker, just being present shows your child you care. With my son, we’ve stopped for takeout when I have him alone, and we’ve taken walks together with the dog. We don’t always talk about heavy stuff, but I know he appreciates our time together.
Don’t feel the need to press conversation. Just be present. Put the phone down. Be available. Seek opportunities to be together whether it’s in the kitchen making dinner or sitting beside her as she does homework. If you want to know how to help a child going through a difficult situation, start with spending more time during the day with your child to help him feel seen.
2. You give your child empathy.
Another friend, Jen, told me that empathy is big for her child. “I’ve told her about similar experiences I’ve gone through,” she said. “I don’t want my kid to think she’s an island. I went through stuff too, and it helps her to hear how it went for me.” Jen was glad her daughter felt safe talking to her. “I want her to know I’m not going to judge her and that she can come to me and talk to me about anything,” she continued.
Empathize with your child by really listening to him and giving him empathy: “Honey, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It stinks and you don’t deserve it.” Relate with him: “I would’ve felt the same way” or “I had something like that happen to me and I wanted to hide in my room forever.” Knowing he’s not alone in his feelings will help him get through a rough patch.
Knowing he's not alone in his feelings will help your child get through a rough patch. Click To Tweet3. You give your child hope.
You might think, “Well, if he didn’t waste so much time on his phone, he’d have better grades,” or “If he’d just join a club or be more outgoing, he’d have more friends,” or “If she hadn’t gossiped about that girl, that girl wouldn’t be telling others not to talk to her.” The thing is all kids make mistakes. That’s how they learn. Sure, point out what your child could’ve done differently, but don’t be a broken record. Making a child feel worse about himself isn’t a way to move forward. Rather than dwelling on the past, give him hope for the future. Research from the Handbook of Resilience in Children has shown that having hope reduces a child’s anxiety and depression. It’s an underused parenting tool that we should all try to incorporate more with our kids.
Let your child know you believe in her. “I know it must hurt seeing those girls do so many fun things without you. But you’re kind and funny and I know someone’s going to be lucky to have you as a friend. Is there another club you’d like to join at school?” Having hope can help a child through a difficult situation.
How have you helped your child going through a difficult situation?
