As a 10-year-old, my son didn’t want anyone to know he still had stuffed animals. When friends came over, he’d carry them to my bedroom and dump them on the floor. Maybe he was afraid of being judged. I know there comes a point when little boys give up playing with their little-kid toys. But even as my son grows bigger and older, I still hope he’ll be his sweet, genuine, authentic self.
When kids are little, they’re still figuring out the world. They’re not jaded, and they’re generally happy. But then something happens. They start to think more about what others think. And while that’s normal, it’s still our job to teach our kids to stay true to who they are. Here are 5 ways to help your kid be his “authentic” self as he gets older.
1. Emphasize what makes him cool, unique, or wonderful.
When boys in my son’s fifth-grade class started swearing, we had a talk: “In our family, we don’t swear. So, I don’t want you to do it.” I didn’t want him to sacrifice our values just to fit in. I told him he didn’t need to swear because he had a lot of great qualities that made him cool—like his quick wit and imagination.
As research shows, “Parents play a crucial role” in their kids’ motivations and behaviors. It’s what we say and how we act as their role models that greatly affect how they behave—and probably what they think is cool or not. Talking about tough issues when kids are 7, 8, and 9 can get them thinking about what they value most. Hopefully, they’ll want to spend time with others who appreciate them for who they are and who share similar values.
2. Teach her about peer influence.
In second grade, my daughter begged for a Fingerling because all the girls had one. But until then, my daughter never liked plastic-y dolls. She’d been influenced by others who did. “What toys do you really like to play with?” I asked her. I wanted to teach her about peer influence and how it can sometimes work against being true to who you really are.
Right now, Stanley cups are really popular, and to fit in, your child might want one. There’s nothing wrong with getting her one, but having a conversation about why she wants one can help her identify her motivations.
3. Help her develop her inner strength.
“I’m going to sign you up for swim club,” I told my daughter. She gave me the deer-in-headlights look. She didn’t know anyone in the club, and I sympathized. But to grow a child’s inner strength, we have to encourage our kids to do things independently and to have new experiences. When our kids step outside their comfort zone, they learn what they’re made of.
Kids often don’t realize how strong they are until they try new things. Your child’s authentic self might take years to develop, but working on her resilience, autonomy, and responsibility now can begin the process.
Kids often don’t realize how strong they are until they try new things. Click To Tweet4. Ask tough questions, and keep dialogue flowing.
Sometimes we need to have uncomfortable conversations with our kids. Why do you want to follow this trend? What do YOU think about X? Engaging in these conversations can get your child’s wheels turning and help him figure out what matters most to him.
According to a study on children published in the National Library of Medicine, authenticity leads to resiliency, emotional stability, and psychological health. It also “enables friendships” and a “leads to a meaningful moral life.” If we want our kids to have a healthier and richer life, it’s helpful to question our kids when they want to be a follower. Sure, it’s easier to go along with the crowd, but is that what’s going to really make her happy as she grows?
5. Accept him for who he is.
Being true to yourself is at the heart of authenticity. A child who thinks he always has to please his parents or be perfect might not think he can be himself. “When children struggle to meet unrealistic standards again and again, they can believe they’ll never be good enough,” says Simon Sherry, Ph.D. Maybe your child tries hard but isn’t an A student. Maybe he’s socially awkward or clumsy on the ball field. We may have good intentions by pushing our kids to succeed, but it’s better to let your child know you love and accept him for who he is.
By accepting your child, flaws and all, he may be less likely to be a follower and more likely to be his authentic self.
How do you help your child be his authentic self and true to who he is?
