I learned the perfect instructions for how to co-parent with a difficult ex at the most unexpected place: a wedding. No, I don’t spend time thinking about divorce as I’m watching a couple exchange vows. That would be weird and depressing. But the last wedding I went to came right on the heels of a friend of mine sharing some struggles she was having with her ex-husband. Their interactions were trying every ounce of her patience.
He was dating a woman my friend didn’t care for, wouldn’t help hold the kids accountable for homework, and decided to take the kids on a mega-vacation that, financially, she could never compete with. I said, “It sounds like you’re having to tap into a lot more than patience!” At that wedding, I reflected on my conversation with her as I listened to the officiant, and I realized: The same words we’ve all heard at countless weddings as a guide for how to treat your spouse are also a perfect guide for how to treat your ex-spouse. I’m going to warn you though—they’re not for the faint of heart.
Love is…
Even if you’re not a Bible reader, you have most likely heard the verses from Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians. They start with “love is patient, love is kind.” At the wedding, the bride and groom sat next to each other holding hands, nodding in agreement. I thought, “They’re gonna have a lot of opportunities to practice patience and kindness.” And that’s when it clicked that my divorced friend does too. In fact, as I listened to all the characteristics of love, I thought, “Gosh, they should hand this out at every divorce proceeding.”
I can hear you saying, “But the bride and groom love each other. I don’t love my ex-husband.” To that, I would say that these verses aren’t talking about romantic love. They’re referring to love as a representation of the presence of God himself. And if that’s not enough, I’ll ask: Do you love your kids? Draw on the love you have for them to help you.
OK, but seriously—what does this version of love look like?
How do you actually put this into practice, especially if you’re co-parenting with a particularly difficult ex-husband? Here’s what I think a few of these characteristics of love look like:
Love is patient. When he shows up late for meet-up (again), you take a deep breath to remind yourself his tardiness is not important enough to steal your peace.
Love is kind. When your son or daughter says something sweet about your ex, you tell him about it, because you remember that all parents need encouragement.
It does not envy. When that extravagant vacation happens, you celebrate that your kids get to have a fun experience with Dad instead of wishing it were with you.
It does not boast. When your kids behave well with you and act out with your ex, you offer help with humility instead of bragging that you must be doing something right.
It keeps no record of wrongs. When you mess up and he criticizes you, you don’t bring up the 50 times over the past five years he’s committed way worse offenses.
Love does not delight in evil. When that relationship of his doesn’t work out, you don’t say “I told you so” or celebrate his sadness.
It always protects. When you want to complain about him in front of the kids, you remember he’s still their father and so, you hold your tongue.
Are you telling me to be a doormat?
I’ll answer your question with a question. Is God a doormat? If you don’t believe in God, you probably at least know that those who do believe see him as powerful and just, but also forgiving and merciful. My hope is that we are all wise about when to stand our ground and when to show mercy. There’s a time for both.
My hope is that we are all wise about when to stand our ground and when to show mercy. Click To TweetWhich of the characteristics of love do you find to be the most difficult to show your ex-husband?
