Nothing says “sexy” quite like dried breast milk on your shirt, spit-up on your back, and greasy hair pulled up into a bun. If your husband isn’t also completely spent, and he gives you that “hey, baby” look, it’s hard to not laugh at the idea of having sex. I’m always tempted to say, “Yeah, sure. Just let me shower, shave, and take a quick 36-hour nap, and we can get right to it.”
Having a baby changes your life, especially your marriage. And your sex life after a baby is one of the changes that’s often hard to cope with. Sometimes just knowing other couples are going through the same thing can bring comfort. Here are 5 ways to overcome some of the most common obstacles to a healthy sex life after a baby.
1. Be honest with each other.
Many couples say, “We want to want to have sex, but we’re so tired” or the husband is eager, but the wife doesn’t feel like her body is her own. When you’re lying in bed and your husband puts his hand on your waist and your response is always, “I have a headache,” it’s unfair and dishonest. Most women who resort to making up excuses feel like they have to or their husbands will pressure them or feel offended. Neither of those scenarios is healthy either. But if you’re exhausted or your libido is in the tank, you need to tell him. Remind yourself and him that this is a phase of your relationship that won’t last forever. The issues you face as a couple have the power to bring you closer together instead of tearing you apart if you communicate through the conflict.
The issues you face as a couple have the power to bring you closer together instead of tearing you apart if you communicate through the conflict. Click To Tweet2. Beware of breastmilk!
If it hasn’t happened yet, it will. You finally find time and energy for sex, and all of a sudden there’s breast milk all over the bed or worse, all over your husband. It’s embarrassing and awkward, but it can be avoided. Nurse the baby or pump right before sex and then tell him, “hands-off for now, buddy.” You can also wear a nursing bra under a cute top and put pads in them just in case there’s leakage.
The less obvious-to-him issue that affects your sex life after a baby is that your breasts have changed jobs! They used to look nice in that pretty blouse you have and would get a second glance from your husband. Now they’re a source of nourishment and bonding with your newborn. They’re officially function over form instead of the other way around. Again, tell your husband what you’re struggling with, and work through solutions together.
3. Fight fatigue.
You’ll never be more exhausted than in the first few months of motherhood. “I’m just too tired” is a legitimate excuse. But taking care of yourself can go a long way toward getting your energy back. Take a nap in the afternoon with the baby so you’re a little more awake when he gets home. Ask your husband to handle the baby for an hour after work so you have time to shower and feel refreshed. It’s amazing how looking like the old you can make you feel like the old you! Figure out your top three priorities and focus on those. Let everything else fall to the wayside until your sleep routine gets closer to normal. The square meals and clean floors can wait.
4. Take it slow.
Feel free to ask your husband to move a little slower and to be more gentle than before. Much of the anxiety about post-baby sex is unwarranted, and once you see for yourself that everything is OK, you’ll relax. Spend more time just touching—cuddling, hugging, relaxing together—to ease into it all. And adjust your expectations; your body has gone through radical changes over a few months and things may not feel exactly the same, at least for a while.
5. Focus.
We know. Easier said than done, right? But you’ll have better sex if you can turn your attention to yourself and your husband for a little while. Concentrate on your body, his body, and being in the moment with him. Light a candle, turn on some music, turn off the monitor, and do whatever it takes to transport yourself to a different place in your head. Even though both you and your husband have taken on new roles as Mommy and Daddy, investing in your relationship through intimacy will strengthen your marriage and your new family.
What’s the biggest obstacle to your sex life after a baby?
