Back on your wedding day, “I don’t know if I love him anymore” is something you probably never imagined you’d think about your husband. However, just because you might be thinking that now doesn’t mean your relationship is over. Research shows two-thirds of unhappily married adults who stayed together were happy five years later.
In a long-term committed relationship, most couples will go through ebbs and flows of closeness and distance. But throw in the stress of parenting, job insecurity, money worries, and caring for aging parents, and you might find yourself actively battling your husband more than actively loving him. However, you can take small, consistent steps to rekindle your love. If you’re wondering how to start loving your husband again, try these 5 practical (and powerful) steps to rekindle the love. Instead of asking yourself if you still do, you’ll be saying “I love you!”
1. Remember why you fell in love.
How to start loving your husband again can start by remembering why you fell in love with him in the first place. Reminisce about the early days of your relationship—those butterflies-in-your-stomach moments, the anticipation before each date, your first kiss, or the moment you knew you loved him. Write down the qualities that initially drew you to him, like his sense of humor, his kindness, or how he made you feel safe.
Invite your husband in on the process. A group of studies analyzed in the Journal of Family Theory and Review show that couples who regularly reminisce report higher relationship satisfaction and feelings of closeness. By intentionally focusing on these happy memories, you’re reminding yourself of the good times and activating the same neural pathways associated with those positive emotions. It’s kinda like clearing the cobwebs in your brain and uncovering the emotional path you took to fall in love initially.
2. Make time for each other.
Even when you don’t feel like it, you need time together. It’s not uncommon to feel disconnected, especially during significant life transitions, but learning how to start loving your husband requires consistent, quality time together. But, to make this happen, it often requires planning. Consider scheduling regular “date nights” at home after the kids are in bed, whether watching a show together or playing a game.
If your schedules allow, try to carve out 15 to 20 minutes of uninterrupted conversation each day. Put down the phones and steer the topics away from the kids, family schedules, and chores. Or go for a drive with the
windows down and listen to music, cook dinner together, or ask each other these questions for couples while you sit on the sidelines during your kids’ practice. Treat your time together as a nonnegotiable and hands-on way to fight for the marriage you deserve.
3. Focus on the positives.
When you feel emotionally disconnected from your husband, everything he does can spark further irritation as you become hyper-focused on all the negative aspects of him. Change the direction of your thoughts. Go on the hunt for good. Rather than point out how he didn’t text you to say he’d be late, notice how he hugged you right when he got home. Listen to your toddler’s giggles as Daddy bathes him instead of complaining about the water all over the bathroom floor. You get the idea.
Also, show gratitude toward your husband when you recognize the good in him. (You know it’s there!) Use your words to say thank you or to show your appreciation for specific ways he cares for you and your family. For example, let him know you see how hard he works to provide for your family or how he doesn’t mind taking your car to the gas station to fill it up. If you aren’t ready to say the words aloud to him, send these texts over the next 10 days.
4. Rebuild emotional intimacy.
When important emotions go unspoken, detachment can grow in your marriage. To rebuild emotional intimacy with your husband, you need open, honest, and direct conversations about your feelings and needs. Being transparent about your feelings—whether about your relationship or life in general—allows your husband to understand your emotional state better, and vice versa.
Avoid pointing fingers or using accusatory language, such as “you always” or “you never.” This leads to defensiveness and arguments. Instead, express your feelings by using “I” statements, such as “I feel hurt when…” or “I need more support in…” And, when your husband shares, give him your full attention. Listen to understand each other, not to win.
5. Invest in your well-being.
While it might seem counter-intuitive to focus on yourself as a way to start loving your husband again, it’s not. When you take time to care for your physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being, you bring your best self into your relationship. Take that rowing class. Schedule a nail appointment. Sign up for the Bible study or book club. Focusing on your personal growth makes you feel happier and positively impacts your marriage. After all, when you feel fulfilled and content, you can create a healthier and more loving dynamic with your husband.
Which ideas for how to start loving your husband again resonated most with you, and why?
