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6 Ways to Teach a Toddler to Self-Soothe

I started to sweat, even though I had my winter coat zipped to my chin and snow-laced wind blew about the firehouse. My little guy had just started pitching an epic fit. Tears gushed down his cheeks as he batted my arm and cried, “No, Mommy!” What on earth? I was just taking a picture of his friend Alex and his mom in front of the firetruck. Why couldn’t my son get a grip?

I quickly snapped the photo and handed the confused mother her phone before crouching down to comfort my son. Through sobs, my son told me Alex had called him a name moments earlier. He clearly wasn’t happy I was now giving my attention to the boy who’d hurt him. I’m not always going to be able to respond quickly to his discomfort like I did that day, so I decided he needed to learn some self-soothing techniques stat. Being three years old can be tough, but 13 will be harder if he can’t manage his emotions. Here are 6 ways to teach a toddler to self-soothe so your little one can cope better when things get tough.

1. Model calm behavior.

When something goes wrong, what is your response? Do you get loud and animated? Do you cry or yell? If possible, try to reign it in and speak calmly. “Oh, darn. I just spilled my orange juice all over the table. Guess that happens sometimes. I’ll just have to clean it up.”

2. Encourage independent play.

“Can you draw me a picture while I make dinner, sweetie?” By playing on her own, she’s learning self-reliance and how to problem-solve. According to Pathways.org, self-soothing can help not only with managing emotions but also with sleeping and building healthy relationships. It’s a great skill to start learning early.

3. Offer reassurance without enabling.

“Hey,” I said, at the firehouse. “Let’s talk more later. Everyone’s headed out for a class picture.” I knew he was still adjusting to preschool and was probably exhausted. But I also didn’t want him to think his behavior was acceptable. “You need to take a deep breath,” I said. “Your class is waiting.”

4. Balance active time with rest and naps.

A rested child is better able to regulate emotions. So let kids run around outside or take them to the playground. Then let them nap. Sometimes, I’ll play an audiobook and let my kid rest in his room if he’s not feeling sleepy. Providing a balance to the day helps any child stay in better control when things get tough.

Providing a balance to the day helps any child stay in better control when things get tough. Click To Tweet

5. Practice healthy coping skills.

Learning healthy coping skills that meet your child’s needs can be very helpful in teaching a toddler to self-soothe. Do hugs help? Deep breathing? When I see my son getting worked up, I’ll take him outside. Being in nature works wonders. Spotting birds and feeling the sun on our faces instantly calms us both! Be sure to use positive language and allow your child to talk things out if he or she wants. Recognizing what works is the first step in teaching kids how to cope when big feelings threaten to carry them away.

6. Take a break.

If you’re in a situation where it’s possible, some time alone for your child may be best. Sometimes, kids just need a break from the activity around them to calm down. Providing some distance from the situation could be enough to help, even if it takes a kid a little time to cry it out. Letting our kids have a moment to themselves could be good practice for managing those strong emotions, especially when we’re not available to help right away.

If you’d like some guidance, we have a printable Self-Control Contract you can use with your kids.

Every child is different! How to teach a toddler to self-soothe may depend on his or her personality. What have you tried that works?

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