My heart broke for my kid every time he cried. I could feel his anguish over his lost stuffed owl and the physical pain he endured splitting open his forehead on a fall. When another child bit his arm on the playground, I felt the anger as acutely as he did—maybe more. And when I went on a rare dinner date with my husband, I longed to hold my son on my lap. I loved him, no question about it, more than anything in the world. But at one point, while lying awake at night, replaying our day together at the zoo and my son’s delight at the brown bear nosing the thick glass that separated them, I started to wonder: “Is it possible to love my child too much?”
I don’t think you can ever love your child too much. But now that I have a teenager, I’ve learned that what we think is love might be something else. Here are 5 pieces of advice about love and parenting I’d share with a toddler mom so she can love her kids well with no regrets.
1. Show your love by enforcing rules.
Did I say no to TV for one day or two? My son snuggled on my lap. “Please, Mama? One show?” He smiled up at me, all dimples and chubby cheeks and my heart melted. I couldn’t remember the punishment, so I said OK. “One show and then we turn it off.” I gave in because it felt better to keep cuddling with him than it did to remember what I’d told him about no TV.
But I look back and think I should’ve tried harder. Loving my son also meant disciplining him, even when it wasn’t enjoyable to do so. Having rules and enforcing them is a big part of showing my child love too.
2. Show your love by repeating yourself.
“Say, ‘Yes, please’ or ‘No, thank you.’” I felt like an automaton. But it didn’t stick and somewhere along the line, I quit because I got tired of barking out reminders. By the time my child started going to others’ houses without me for playdates, I worried he’d be rude. So, I buckled down and tried again. I’m glad I put in the time! By late elementary, friends told me my son had great manners when he visited. But I haven’t let up with the instruction. I still remind him to say “thanks for the ride” or “thank you for having me” to make sure he hasn’t forgotten.
It’s tiring to keep issuing reminders, like “Did you wash your face this morning?” But until it becomes habit (and it might not until our kids become adults), we need to keep at it. We know their lives will be easier as adults if they have good manners and don’t smell. Our kids can’t see that far ahead, but we can.
3. Show your love by stepping away.
I sat in a circle, shoulder to shoulder with the other parents, as our toddlers snuggled in our laps. After reading a picture book, Miss Anne led us in song while my son shook an egg-shaped maraca. My son had playgroups as a toddler, but never without me present. I didn’t want to miss anything! I loved being with him!
But without my constant presence, my son might’ve learned earlier how to soothe himself without running to my arms for constant comfort. Knowing how to cope with strong emotions is important for kids. My son might’ve benefitted from gaining that skill at an earlier age, and that would’ve given him more confidence along the way too.
4. Show your love by standing back.
“You’re OK. You’re tough,” my mother-in-law told my toddler after she’d tumbled down the slide, head over feet. After what looked like a shocking fall, my daughter stood up and ran off to play. I thought at the time that my mother-in-law’s approach seemed… harsh. But it worked. Now that they’re 15 and 12, my kids frequently endure teenage tumbles: a tough homework assignment, nervousness about a game, even an embarrassing mistake. In these situations, I try to remind them they’re tough and capable and can handle whatever it is.
Sometimes loving your child means standing back and letting her handle something difficult on her own. It can be hard watching her struggle, but you’re helping her grow strong and capable. Hugging her and smoothing things over might feel loving to you, but it’s best to think how you can benefit her growth, not pacify your own discomfort.
Sometimes loving your child means standing back and letting her handle something difficult on her own. Click To Tweet5. Show your love by accepting imperfection.
“Hold your wrist back. That’s it. No, keep it back,” I said, repositioning my son as he held his tiny violin. My 5-year-old had trouble holding the instrument perfectly and it made us argue. Fast forward to middle school and nearly every violinist in the school orchestra held the instrument less-than-perfectly. I couldn’t help thinking if I hadn’t expected perfection, my son might still enjoy playing the violin today.
I thought holding my son to high standards showed love. Standards aren’t bad, but expecting perfection can hurt a relationship. We can show our children real love by accepting them and their efforts along the way.
What does love and parenting mean to you?
