My heart broke as I stood there, smelling the alcohol on his breath and listening to the lies come out. At that moment, I realized most of the things my teen told me were carefully crafted stories to feed me exactly what I wanted to hear. I wept bitterly, hidden in my bathroom, the first time I uncovered his many lies. I wanted to rage and spew every horrible thought that crossed my mind. I knew he was lying, and he did it with a smile on his face and “I love you” on his lips.
As his lies continued, I found myself tempted to withhold love from my child. I’m not proud of that, but I felt disrespected and hurt. I wanted to keep a running tab of his wrongdoings even though I knew in my heart that was the opposite of love. While loving your child who lies is hard, love is what kids who lie need most. Here are 5 tips for loving your child who lies.
1. Confront your child when you are calm.
It took me years of parenting to realize that dealing with my kids when I’m angry only makes the situation worse. When my temper flared, my tiny carbon copies would meet my heat, flame for flame. Now, I take a beat, sometimes waiting a full day. I gather my thoughts and measure my words because I want them to hear what I am saying. No one listens when voices are raised.
2. Don’t back down.
Confronting a child who dances around the truth is a battle of wit and will. My teen insists on contesting every allegation until he’s out of breath. Even when evidence to the contrary is given, he will stand on the conviction of his words. There was a time when I hated the thought of confrontation so much I would simply back down despite knowing the truth. Loving your child who lies means looking him in the eye and letting him know you aren’t going to stop until you get the truth from him.
3. Don’t protect your child from the consequences.
Lying has consequences. We’ve taught that in my house starting when the kids were young. You lie, get caught, you face the punishment. My teen came home after a sleepover clearly under the influence. He looked haggard and reeked, despite his claims he hadn’t drunk alcohol. Furious, with a heated lecture burning my tongue, I realized the natural consequences of his actions would be a better lesson than my words. Instead of letting him call off work for “not feeling well” and hide in his room all day, I insisted that he go to work as scheduled, help with yard work, and do his chores. As much as it hurts to watch, allowing your kids to experience consequences is showing them love.
As much as it hurts to watch, allowing your kids to experience consequences is showing them love. Click To Tweet4. Keep doing what you’ve been doing for your child.
After a particularly horrible round of truth or lie with my teenager, I stood in the laundry room debating with myself. The temptation was huge to stop doing all the mom things like his work laundry, shuttling him to work, and fulfilling his dietary needs. He spends his days lying to me, so why should I bend over backward for him? I’m not saying you should reward a child who lies. Taking away some perks might be warranted, but the moment we stop showing care, compassion, and love is the moment we say our love is conditional.
5. End each day on “I love you.”
I question my child’s sincerity. I question his motives. His dad and I have uncovered enough untruths and half-truths to fill a small journal. But, we end each night the same way. “Good night, kid. Sleep well. We love you.” Loving your child who lies literally means letting her know you love her despite her questionable behavior. It means telling your kids you love them even when you question if the love is truly mutual.
Lies hurt. They strip away the inherent trust between parent and child. Loving a child who lies can feel like shoveling snow during a blizzard. It’s difficult and draining. More than punishment, restrictions, and anger, kids who lie need love to remind them that even though trust is broken, you are their safe space.
How have you dealt with your children when they’ve lied to you?
