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The Marriage Goal Every Couple Should Aim For

How long was your honeymoon? When we got married, my husband and I worked together and the staff in our office was small, so ours was only three days. To make matters worse, I spent about 12 hours of it in the emergency room. In the months leading up to the wedding, I’d been experiencing stroke symptoms and the doctor insisted I go to the ER if it happened again. I was wearing a fluffy white robe and eating a room service croissant when it indeed happened again. I got up, moved to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and started crying. My husband walked in and said, “Time to go to the ER?” I nodded and got dressed.

Fortunately, when you indicate “stroke” on an ER intake form, you get fast-tracked to a bed. Still, we were there all day. Instead of experiencing a couples spa treatment with flutes of champagne, we lay in a hospital bed together, split a turkey sandwich out of a plastic clamshell container, and watched Law and Order with closed captions. Although we were experiencing difficulties most couples don’t deal with on their honeymoon, we were in the stage of marriage where we were just happy to be together. Do you know the four stages of marriage? Some couples don’t make it to the fourth, but it’s a marriage goal we all should aim for.

Stage one is romantic love.

I’ll admit that sitting in that ER with all the smells, sounds, and sights was a lot easier because my husband and I were in this stage of marriage. With all those feel-good love chemicals floating around, I said more than once, “I’d rather be here with you than with anyone else.” I hope you’re familiar with this stage. Maybe you’re still in it. It’s when you “feel” love and passion for your husband all the time. You think you’re not like other couples. The struggles they face—that won’t happen to you. You’re the perfect couple, perfectly in love!

Stage two is disillusionment and distraction.

If you’ve ever yelled that “you used to love it when I…” at your husband, you are probably in the disillusionment stage. This is when the love chemicals subside, and you have to choose to love your husband despite the things he does that annoy you. The other part of this phase is “distraction,” which is so typical for busy moms. In the years when a marriage goal should be to nurture the relationship, couples can be so busy that we feel like ships passing in the night.

In the years when a marriage goal should be to nurture the relationship, couples can be so busy that we feel like ships passing in the night. Click To Tweet

Stage three is dissolution or resignation.

When couples don’t feel love anymore but also fail to choose to love, they end up constantly fighting, distant, or dealing with infidelity. Many couples call it quits in this stage, which is called dissolution or resignation. Basically, this is when the rubber should hit the road. Do we separate? Divorce? Resign ourselves to just being miserable? Make adjustments? Choosing to make adjustments through counseling, reading about marriage healing and growth, and investing in each other with quality time can move your marriage to the stage we’re aiming for.

Stage four is awakening to joy.

Some marriage experts say there are only three stages, but some say there’s a fourth, called “awakening to joy.” I know I want this for my marriage and I hope you do, too. I think my parents are in this stage. I’ve said to both parents separately, “Doesn’t it drive you crazy that…?” Their response is always that they just don’t notice each other’s quirks—they’ve almost become endeared to each other’s strange habits.

You reach this stage by loving and accepting your husband just as he is and vice versa. You have confidence that your spouse’s commitment is solid and that brings peace and joy. Therapist and educator Michele Weiner-Davis says this stage is when you start liking your spouse again and you’ve “come full circle.” Can you imagine arriving back at the beginning of your relationship when it was the most important thing in your life? Talk about a marriage goal!

I think I’m in the disillusionment/distraction stage, but I’m working to get to stage four. Which stage are you in?

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