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5 Signs You’re Parenting Out of Fear

“Be careful!” I called to my son as he took off down the sidewalk with a handful of letters. I’d never sent him down the street alone before, but I told myself he needed to develop more independence. And I needed to let him. Plus, I really needed my mom’s birthday card to get to her on time. The blue mailbox stood on a corner only two blocks away and we’d walked there plenty of times. Plus, we lived in a quiet, leafy neighborhood with minimal traffic. Surely, he could handle it. But could I?

I watched from the window until I couldn’t see him anymore. I knew my son was old enough to look before crossing the street and definitely old enough to do this relatively simple task. Yet, I still had to wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans as I waited. A few minutes passed and then he popped back into sight, the letters gone, a noticeable kick to his stride. Ah-ha! Accomplishment. I needed to stop parenting out of fear and instead, start making decisions based on what was rational and safe. Can you identify? Finding a balance between healthy fear and crippling fear can be tricky as a parent. If you find these 5 signs you are parenting out of fear, it might be time to make some changes.

1. You don’t let her go places without you.

Because of my daughter’s food allergies, I didn’t trust anyone to watch her and often said no to playdates unless I was there. But at some point, as she grew, I needed to learn how to trust others (and train them with an EpiPen) so my daughter could thrive.

If you say no to activities your child wants to do and she is physically and mentally able to participate, think about your decisions and pray about them. It’s important for kids to develop assertiveness and self-reliance, and if we’re too afraid to let them explore within reason, we’re doing more harm than good.

2. You don’t discipline him because his response will be too overwhelming.

Do you fear the epic fit? Or how she’ll dig her heels in and fight a quiet battle of wills? Their reactions suck up your energy and time and who can blame you for wanting to avoid them?

I’ve been afraid of the battle too. But when we avoid disciplining our children because of a potential meltdown, we’re parenting out of fear. And we’re giving up our authority. Kids need boundaries to feel secure in the world. So don’t be afraid to stand firm. The more you do, the more she’ll realize a fight will get her nowhere.

Kids need boundaries to feel secure in the world. Click To Tweet

3. You don’t let her make mistakes in front of others.

My daughter hadn’t prepared enough for her piano recital, and I feared she would embarrass herself on stage (and me too). So, I made her practice way more than normal a few days before, resulting in several teary afternoons. Talk about making us both miserable! In hindsight, I should’ve stepped back and let her learn from the experience. Maybe then I wouldn’t be going through the same thing four months later before the next recital.

Parenting out of fear of embarrassment isn’t good for your child or for you. I don’t want my daughter to get hung up on perfection, but I do want her to develop more of a work ethic. So, I’ve decided to encourage my child to work hard, to remind her of past successes, and to hold her accountable instead of parenting out of fear. Easier said than done, but I’m going to try.

4. You make choices for him instead of letting him make his own.

“Let’s talk about this field trip,” I said to my daughter. The class planned to tour the kitchen of a local restaurant and talk to the owner about running a business. After discussing it with her, my 10-year-old decided she wouldn’t feel comfortable going due to her severe dairy allergy.

As they get older, our children will be faced with many choices, many of which they’ll have to make without us. It’s a good idea to give them practice while they’re young so they build confidence and self-reliance.

5. You don’t let her do activities that could hurt her.

A huge metal slide loomed over the school playground. Each year, a mom inevitably muttered, “When are they going to tear that thing down?” I didn’t want to let my child go up it, but I did. When she reached the bottom, relief washed over me—until she hurried to the stairs and climbed them again.

The slide made me fear for my daughter’s physical safety, but what about emotional risks? Do I let my son turn in the stick-figure drawing even though it’s not very good? Do I let my daughter wear her favorite shirt five days in a row, knowing she could get picked on? Even though it’s uncomfortable for me at times, I am weighing my own fears against what my child might gain in the process.

How are you parenting out of fear?

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