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Are You Helping Your Teen Too Much?

“I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t talk to you about this. Please put your son on the phone.” The woman’s response came as a shock. My son had never talked to anyone on the phone in a professional capacity before. He was red-cheeked, nervous, and didn’t know what to say. “That’s fine, but he’s only just turned 16, so I’m trying to help him get his classes set up online,” I said. Then she clarified: “I know it’s difficult, but we have to speak directly to the student.” I shut my mouth and handed the phone to my son.

I’ve known this day was coming. I’ve even caught myself looking forward to it—the day my kids become young adults and start doing more for themselves. But with first jobs, first college classes, and driver’s licenses happening all at once, it feels overwhelming. I’m in an in-between place of not knowing how much to help and when to step back. Sometimes a parent needs help to strike a good balance between helping enough and not doing too much for your child. So how can you find that balance? Start by asking yourself these 3 questions.

1. Am I letting him make his own choices?

While perusing the classifieds recently, I noticed a highly competitive summer job opportunity I thought would be great for my son. I was so excited about it, in fact, that I showed it to him right away. But when he read the advertisement, he just shrugged and said “maybe” without a second thought. In that moment, I was more unsure about my role than ever. I wondered if he just didn’t think it was important to apply early.

I knew he would love the job—or did I? Might it be possible that he actually didn’t want it and that I was pushing so hard because I wanted it for him? So, I slept on it. The next day, I told him it was completely his choice and I had no expectations either way. But, I said, if it were something he wanted, he’d have to apply quickly. Knowing it was his choice and his responsibility made all the difference. (He applied, interviewed, and got the job.)

2. Does she have opportunities to make her own mistakes and learn from them?

When you find yourself filling out their job applications, keeping track of their homework assignments and deadlines, or doing any other task that’s been assigned to your teenagers (and not to you), that’s a pretty good sign you’re doing too much for your children. The other day, I actually caught myself responding to my teenager’s boss about some overdue paperwork over email and signing his name (and this wasn’t the first time).

I backed up and said, “Hey, I think you need to email him about this so he’ll know you’re not irresponsible, but it’s your choice. How do you want to handle this?” The temptation is strong to help teens save time, to keep them from the heartaches we went through, to protect them from the pain we know will come. But teens learn necessary lessons from making their own mistakes.

Teens learn necessary lessons from making their own mistakes. Click To Tweet

3. Have we talked about freedom, responsibility, consequences, and limits recently?

As parents, we learn the necessity of setting boundaries for our kids when they’re small, and then, when they become teenagers, those boundaries inevitably morph again and again. Instead of talking about looking both ways when he crosses the street, I’m now sharing driver safety tips. Chatting about healthy foods and being kind to friends evolves into setting curfews, filling out college applications, and discussing saving sex for marriage.

This shift means we need to talk regularly, like scheduling one-on-ones at a coffee shop or making extra time on Saturday mornings for conversations on the couch. If it’s been a while since you had a conversation about boundaries, freedom, responsibilities, and their consequences, talking about them now can be a step toward empowering your teen and holding back from doing too much.

I’m still learning how to stop myself from doing too much for my child. Letting my son risk failure with academics when I can easily help him is a struggle. I still catch myself reminding him to follow up on job applications and interviews he hasn’t heard back from. But each time I notice myself doing too much for him, I know I’m getting better at stepping back and letting him step up. My hope is that, with these questions, you’ll find yourself getting better at stepping back, too.

How do you know when you’re doing too much for your child?

ASK YOUR CHILD...

How does it make you feel when I help you with something you know you can do on your own?

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