“Mom, can I invite Lily over so we can have a playdate? Pleeeease?” my daughter begged as I picked her up from Sunday school. I glanced up to see Lily begging her mom too. The truth is, I just didn’t feel like it. I was exhausted from a long week and looking forward to having a low-key afternoon with just our family. But there was a nagging sense of guilt whispering in my ear: “You should do it. Make it work.”
There are a lot of reasons why saying no to children is accompanied by guilt. We don’t want them to miss an opportunity or feel disappointed or left out. And while that comes from a generous place, when we never say no, or really struggle with saying no, we need a little shift in perspective. We know that saying no can be good for our kids, but the trick is keeping this in the forefront of our minds and knowing the value of what we’re teaching them when the puppy-dog eyes come out in full force! So next time you have to say no, here are 5 reasons to feel good instead of guilty.
1. “No” is an acceptable answer.
Sometimes saying no to children will get you a reaction of shock, anger, or even offense. Veruca Salt from the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory comes to mind. But honestly, I’ve seen my own kid’s jaw drop at the sound of “no,” as if it really weren’t an option. Kids need to hear no to remember that there is an adult in authority, and those in authority do not grant every request.
Don’t feel guilty over denying a request. You might hate the pushback or to see that expression of disappointment on your child’s face at first, but remember that later in life, kids will still have people in authority over them who will still be saying no—bosses, judges, referees… If you want your kids to be able to accept a no with grace as adults, then let them practice by hearing no from you now.
If you want your kids to be able to accept a no with grace as adults, then let them practice by hearing no from you now. Click To Tweet2. They don’t have to do it all.
As moms, it feels so good when our kids are included, have a cool experience, or learn something new. It’s like we get to give ourselves gold stars for parenting that day. But this can easily morph into trying to let them do it all, every time. And when they miss out on something, we feel guilty because they weren’t included and fearful that it will scar them for life somehow. (Sounds dramatic, but isn’t it true?)
We just want the best for our kids, but we can’t let fear take the driver’s seat. You can let go of the guilt in this situation because you know from your own life experience that opportunities come and go. If one thing doesn’t work out, it’ll be OK—another opportunity will come around. And when this is your attitude, your kids will adopt it as well.
3. Healthy boundaries are good for everyone.
I used to be a substitute teacher, and the younger kids would always be shocked when their teacher was sick or had to go out of town. What? My teacher has a real life and gets sick like I do? In the same way, kids have trouble remembering that Mom has wants and needs too. Developmentally, they learn this over time. But if you never say no, it’ll take much longer for it to sink in.
You might feel guilty putting yourself first, but by saying no to children for this reason, you’ll help them gain a healthy awareness of other people’s needs and respect their boundaries. And just as important, they need to feel comfortable making their own boundaries clear to other people. They will know just how to do that if you model it for them now.
4. Resources are limited.
Money, time, even energy… Things like these are abstract concepts to a child, not tangible things that have a beginning and end. When you say no, you’re teaching your kids resources are limited and will eventually run out.
It might seem mean to say, “No, I don’t have the money or time for that.” But if our kids see us budgeting those resources, they’ll learn to make wise choices with their own money, time, and energy, evaluating how much they have, and what they want to spend it on the most. Being the big meanie now might just save them from a lot of pain later.
5. Patience takes practice.
Sometimes, “no” really means “be patient.” Back to Veruca—she wanted a golden goose, and she wanted it “NOW!” Often, we hear our children’s requests but can’t make them happen right away. We shouldn’t feel like we have to jump at every ask out of fear of a meltdown or disappointment.
You might feel guilty when you make your child wait—especially when you know you can afford it right now. But think about the value of being able to have patience and wait for the right time to say yes as an adult! Think of your child waiting to earn that college degree that seems so far off, or even waiting to say yes to the right spouse someday. It could be life-changing!
When do you feel the most guilt for saying no?
