I was sitting in the waiting room at my dentist’s office, and I had a quick impulse to text my daughter. “I love you,” I wrote spontaneously, with a heart emoji to boot. “Are you OK? What’s wrong?” she immediately wrote back. After I assured her nothing was wrong, she ended the thread with, “K—ur just being weird.” Had I failed to observe some texting etiquette for parents? On the flip side of that exchange are the countless times I don’t see a text from her right away, and it’s immediately followed by three more texts: mom, MOM, MOMMMM!!!
At some point, we’ll all be baffled by how our teens communicate when they text—and they’ll undoubtedly be baffled by us, too. But there are ways to text with teens without confusing or offending them. Here are 9 of them.
1. Limit punctuation.
Punctuation is one of the biggest differences between adults’ and teens’ texting styles, and it’s likely to be the texting etiquette for parents that will frustrate you most. Where we see it as clean and correct, they see it as aggressive and sharp. My daughter has said, more than once, that she thinks I’m mad when I use periods in texts. She’d much rather see exclamation points or no punctuation at all. I pulse-checked several other teens on this point, and they all agreed. I understand the hesitation to omit punctuation, but the small sacrifice produces a more neutral text vibe.
2. Have timing awareness.
Teens almost always have their phones within reach. They’re fast texters, and they appreciate quick responses. We know that’s not always possible, but they grow frustrated or worried when our replies are delayed. Keep in mind that they’re not always able to respond immediately either. You’ll encounter fewer frustrations when you’re aware of when you’re texting and responding.
3. Know the lingo.
Learn texting slang and abbreviations and how to use them. The goal isn’t (and shouldn’t be) to use them to “fit in” with teens, but it’s helpful to know what they’re actually communicating with their abbreviations. Ask your teens how they feel when you use them. A few of our chart-toppers are LY (love you), OMW (on my way), and TY (thank you)—but I’ve never used “slay” without getting a face-palm or eye-roll emoji in return.
4. Use emojis sparingly.
Some texting etiquette for parents that I’ve learned the hard way: If there are emojis you frequently use with your friends, they are probably “out of style” with your teens. Pay attention to the emojis they use, and learn which emojis have multiple meanings. My daughter doesn’t tiptoe around letting me know how “Gen X” it is of me when I use the laughing crying face emoji, but I just can’t bring myself to use the skull.
5. Know your audience.
Keep in mind who you’re texting, and adjust your communication accordingly. When I’m texting with my son, I need to keep it concise. If there are too many words, he likely won’t even read it—and he definitely won’t respond. If I’m texting with my daughter, I can add more flair and fluff—without excessive punctuation, of course.
6. Turn on the “read” receipt.
Not all phones have this feature, but it’s one of our favorites. The “read” receipt helps each other gauge timing and responding. If my kids see I haven’t read a text, I don’t get battered with a dozen more rapid-fire variations of the original text. This provides a built-in level of awareness.
7. Don’t ask too many questions.
A flood of questions can be overwhelming—especially to teens. Keep it simple. Start by asking only what you need to be answered like “What time is practice over tonight?” If you sense your child’s in a chatty mood, then it’s easier to transition into more of a conversation.
8. Remember you can’t read tone in text.
Even as adults, tone is nearly impossible to decipher in texts, so give the benefit of the doubt. Our teens are still learning how to communicate in person, let alone without the use of body language. Don’t assume they’re being disrespectful because their tone comes off a certain way in texts.
Tone is nearly impossible to decipher in texts, so give the benefit of the doubt. Click To Tweet9. Have fun with it.
Texting with your teen isn’t for the purpose of being his or her BFF, but it’s one of the best ways to stay connected throughout the day. Laugh off the missteps, and have fun with it.
What’s your biggest challenge when texting with your kids?
