I’ve parented for a long time now. I’ve potty trained seven kids, taught five to drive, and have graduated four so far. And I still have three children at home, with two in elementary school—I’ll be at this parenting thing for a while longer! All of the years with all of these children have brought such perspective. I can remember being a newer mom and the angst I had when my toddler would hit a new stage or when one of them started some new misbehavior. All I wanted was the one key that would help them learn not to hit, to do their chores, or to be kind to their siblings.
Parenting isn’t as simple as finding one key. But if I could coach my younger mom-self, I’d share these five essentials of parenting well. Here are my 5 parenting lessons from a mom of seven. It’s great advice for new parents and “old” parents too!
1. Keep a routine (but write in pencil).
Routines are a parent’s friend. Kids, especially young kids, thrive on predictability. Keeping a routine helps the family function well and reduces strife. If the kids have the same weeknight routine, there won’t be as much conflict getting them to bed. But routines should be “written in pencil.” Be open to hitting “delete” or “update” on your digital calendar or app. We can’t hold so firmly to structure that we become inflexible. Being flexible and teaching our kids flexibility helps when your toddler throws up as you’re headed to playgroup or when the science project makes for a late dinner.
2. Parent out of love, not fear.
Doing this successfully takes looking at what drives our responses and decisions. If I parent out of fear, I’m likely to overreact to misbehavior because I’m embarrassed, rather than being concerned for the child’s best interest. If I parent out of fear, I make decisions based on control. If, however, I parent out of love, I’ll listen and try to understand my child. I correct not because I’m bothered but because I want my child to learn. Here’s what you can do to keep five other mom fears at bay.
3. Inspect what you expect.
Some parenting lessons are learned the hard way. I remember being shocked that one of my children hadn’t been completing schoolwork, even though I had asked every day and he had answered that it was done. You might need to make a daily habit of checking your child’s online classroom portal until he’s back on track. Parenting well means checking on our kids regularly. If I expect my children to complete schoolwork before dinner, I need to make sure they’ve done it. If I give my teens a phone with rules about how they use it, I need to check periodically to make sure they’ve been responsible.
4. Push pause as needed.
Parenting can’t take a backseat to busy activity. As inconvenient as it may be, there will be times when we need to pause to address an issue. When my kids were younger, I remember pulling back from activities for a few days to purposely address attitudes that had cropped up. With my older kids, there have been times I needed to pause my own to-do list to listen. Parenting well means being willing to push pause on the agenda so you can teach, guide, or train through an issue.
5. Be a student of your child.
Each child is so unique. Remember that potty training? I approached it a bit differently for each of my seven kids. If you study your kids, you’ll discover whether they learn most effectively by reading or listening, what kind of discipline works best, and what fills their love tank. How do they communicate? How are they motivated? What are their vulnerabilities? One-size-fits-all parenting isn’t effective. Being a student of our children helps us mold our parenting to fit their unique personalities.
What parenting lessons would you add to this list?
