“Mom! I can’t find my Music Man shirt, and I have to wear it to school today!” one of my teens yelled. I attempted to open her bedroom door to help her look, but about halfway, the door hit against something. I peeked in to find the blockage—a sea of clothes, trash, and art supplies and an aroma of spoiled milk mixed with feet.
Do you ever wonder what to do with your messy teenager’s room? It’s not a one-size-fits-all answer, so here are five different approaches to try.
1. Tackle it with him.
Teamwork helps when you’re overwhelmed—we’ve all experienced it at some point. You look at a project, and the massiveness of the task zaps your motivation. Then your husband or friend comes alongside you, and suddenly, it’s not so bad. Sometimes our teens need this kind of help getting started on their rooms.
Other times, they need help with organization because developmentally, they just aren’t quite there yet. Jay Giedd, neuroscientist at the National Institute of Mental Health, says it’s “not that the teens are stupid or incapable. It’s sort of unfair to expect them to have adult levels of organizational skills or decision making before their brain is finished being built.” In short, your messy teenager’s room is normal.
2. Let her choose the timing (within reason).
We know teens prefer choices rather than ultimatums. But we really want that room to be cleaned, and if given a choice, teens will pick the day after never. So, offer a choice in the timing part of it, like, “When, within the next two days, can you get this cleaned up?”
If your teen brushes you off, respond with kindness but firmness. “You don’t have to pick your room up immediately, but any time within 48 hours is fine. If you choose not to, there will be no (fill in the blank) until it’s done.”
3. Divide it up.
Another way to attack a large, overdue task is to break it into bite-sized pieces. Rather than requiring the messy room to be cleaned all in one day, spread it out. And if strategizing is a challenge for him (remember about that frontal lobe development), this might be just what he needs.
Try dividing the room into five “zones,” and tell him to take care of one a day, such as: floor, laundry, bed, desk, and dresser. Put a large laundry basket, a cardboard box, and a trash bag in the hallway, and tell him to sort things out there: things to wash, things to donate, and things to throw away.
4. Use goals and rewards that she chooses.
People of all ages are motivated by rewards. Think of a reward that contributes to the organization or functionality of your teen’s bedroom. And to give your teen even more control, let her choose the goal (“I’ll have my room totally clean by Thursday.”) and the reward (“Then we’ll shop for a shoe organizer.”).
Does this feel like you’re bribing your teen to do something she should just do? Maybe so. But sometimes kids need short-term rewards—ones they can visualize rather than the long-term rewards parents know are coming someday as a result of hard work (like becoming an organized adult). Just make sure that whenever you bribe your kids, you avoid a few common pitfalls.
Sometimes kids need short-term rewards—ones they can visualize rather than the long-term rewards parents know are coming someday as a result of hard work. Click To Tweet5. Do nothing for now.
Are you in a stage where you need to pick your battles with your teen? I get it. There are days when my messy teenager’s room is the least of my concerns. In these days, weeks, or even seasons, give yourself permission to do nothing about the room. After all, it is your teenager’s space, so if he’s OK with the mess, you can let it go.
A word of warning: If you let it go forever, there may be some consequences in the long run—things like habitual messiness and relational conflict. Messy teens need to understand that when they have roommates or spouses someday, they won’t enjoy cleaning up after them.
How do you deal with your messy teenager’s room?
