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4 Ways to Let Go of Being a Controlling Mom

I don’t know about you, but I learned early on that I can’t control my kids—not really, anyway. I can guide them, instruct them, discipline them, and love them. But control? Nope. If I could, then my daughter never would’ve had monster-size meltdowns at the store, at her birthday party, or while leaving the playground. Yet, she did. Many, many times. If I’m honest, though, in those moments, I wanted to be a controlling parent and put a kibosh on bad behaviors before they ramped up.

Being a controlling parent sounds good in theory. But according to research published in the Journal of Child Development, that parenting method lowers children’s academic achievements and even the likelihood of healthy relationships. The study also found that children view controlling parents more negatively. It can all be avoided though! Here are 4 ways to stop yourself from becoming a controlling parent.

1. Increase his independence.

Your child won’t suddenly wake up ready to live on his own as a fully responsible adult. Whew! Instead, it’s a gradual process. In fact, your child probably started asserting his need for independence as a toddler when he exclaimed, “Me do myself!” And while his shoe-tying abilities didn’t match yours, he did eventually get his shoes on all by himself. 

As your child grows, give him more and more age-appropriate freedom to do things on his own, such as getting dressed, walking home from the bus stop, or cleaning his bathroom. (He definitely won’t clean it like you would. That’s OK. Give him guidance.) This shows your child that you trust in his abilities and respect his individual growth. He’ll build his confidence and self-assurance in his abilities to do tasks and make decisions independently. Gradually giving your child more and more independence also allows you to gradually let go of any “controlling parent” tendencies.

2. Let her voice her opinions.

Whether you realize it or not, your child expressed her opinion from the start. She voiced her opinion about when she wanted to eat, sleep, and even how she wanted to be held. It didn’t matter that she couldn’t speak yet. She made her point loud and clear—and at all hours of the night.

Your home and her relationship with you is her safe place. It’s the space where she’ll learn that her opinions, thoughts, and ideas matter, even if they differ from yours. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree with her, though. However, when your child learns to voice her opinions respectfully, she’ll also learn how to protect her important relationships. Plus, when you listen to her with the intent to understand, you’ll release the notion that you need to be in control of how she thinks and maybe even learn something new!

When children learn to voice their opinions, they will also learn how to protect their important relationships. Click To Tweet

3. Let her make her own choices.

Children need to learn everything, including how to make wise choices. So, start young by inviting her to make certain decisions. For example, ask your toddler or preschooler: “Would you like to eat this or that as your snack?” Or “Do you want to wear this or that?” Of course, you pick out the two choices, but then she has the freedom to pick one.

Through trial and error, she will gain confidence in how to make wise choices. Eventually, you won’t be the one offering her the two choices. She’ll need to decide on her own where to sit in the lunchroom, which friend to hang out with on the playground, and even what to do after high school. And, since you stopped yourself from being a controlling parent, she’ll be able to assuredly make smart decisions that align with the belief system you’ve been teaching her all along.

4. Let go of your preconceived expectations.

Letting go of being a controlling parent means letting go of preconceived expectations for your child. No doubt you’ve held hopes and dreams for your child from the very beginning. All moms do. And it’s not a bad thing. However, as your child grows, he’ll discover interests, passions, and talents that never even entered your mind. When a friend and English professor had her son, she imagined him falling in love with literature just like her. But, then, at the age of 6, he picked up a lacrosse stick, and that love story got rewritten. Now, instead of reading books together, they travel to games together. 

Help your child explore his interests and passions, offering guidance and support when needed. This empowers him to develop his own identity while also making it clear that you are still his biggest fan. 

Need more tips to avoid becoming a controlling parent? Try these:

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