Friends, I’m kind of excited for the next time I get in a fight with my husband. I’m not going to purposely pick a fight, but I’ve recently learned about a tool called a feedback wheel that sounds like a game-changer. It can repair relationships after a conflict and boost the “we’re on the same page” feeling we all desire for our marriages.
The feedback wheel was created and explained by therapist Terry Real in his book The New Rules of Marriage. The wheel only has four parts, so it’s easy to remember. If you want to get better at managing your arguments and grow closer to your husband, here’s how the feedback wheel works.
First, here’s a time the feedback wheel would’ve been helpful.
My husband’s workday starts and ends two hours earlier than mine. One day, he went for a swim when he got home. When he got out of the pool, which was right as my workday was ending, he got on his computer to wrap up some loose ends from his day, leaving me to take care of the kids and get dinner going.
As I glared at him, I thought, Why couldn’t he have done his work while I was working instead of waiting and leaving me to manage all this on my own? Doesn’t he care that I worked a full day, too? I slammed doors and drawers. Anything that could be opened and shut, I opened and shut with force!
OK. Let’s apply the four parts of the feedback wheel.
Part 1: “Here’s what I saw or heard.”
This part is brief because all you do is relay the facts. Imagine the incident was recorded, and now you’re doing play-by-play commentary.
Part 1 in action:
“You relaxed in the pool when you got home and started your work when I clocked out.”
Part 2: “Here’s what I made up about it.”
This is the story you told yourself about why he did what he did. Since what you’re about to say is based on assumptions, you have to be careful with your wording. Use humility and avoid aggressive language.
Part 2 in action:
“The story I told myself is that you wanted to avoid having to help make dinner and manage the kids, so you waited to get on your computer until I was available to do those things myself.”
Part 3: “These are my feelings about it.”
If you read iMOM’s article about picking fights, you’re familiar with the right and wrong way to use “I feel” statements. (TL;DR “I feel like you’re being a jerk” is the wrong way.) This is the part of the feedback wheel where you get to share your emotions, and you might have to dig deep to get past the anger that’s on the surface. Our feelings wheel can help with that.
Part 3 in action:
“I feel alone and overwhelmed. I feel like you don’t value my time as much as yours.”
Part 4: “This is what I would like.”
This step in the feedback wheel is important because it’s what repairs the relationship, so be brief but realistic and specific.
Part 4 in action:
“I’d like you to be available to me and the kids in this hectic time of the day. Just a check-in to see if I need you would make me feel like we’re a team.”
This is the big growth you’ll see.
Conflict in marriage is inevitable. The reason this tool is called a feedback wheel is because, like a circle, healthy communication should never have an endpoint.
But underneath each specific conflict being managed by the feedback wheel, there’s important growth taking place. You owned your part in the problem, shared vulnerably, and made an explicit request for how to repair things. If you and your husband can use the feedback wheel regularly, you’ll increase emotional intimacy and understanding that will lead to a love deeper than you imagined.
Want more ideas for better communication in your marriage? Listen to this episode of the iMOM Podcast for some of our favorite tools, and subscribe to get new episodes every Monday.
Which part of the feedback wheel would be the game changer in your marriage?
