I switched to a new middle school as a tween. Before I even stepped foot in the building, my dad asked me my plan. “I want to be popular,” I told him. He laughed. But I was serious. I bought a curling iron. I begged my mom for lip gloss. Eventually, I got my ears double pierced and gave myself highlights. I joined clubs and greeted everyone in the halls with a nonchalant, “Hey, how are ya?” Somehow, it worked. I ended up with a big group of friends by the time I entered high school. It felt great fitting in—until I didn’t.
In tenth grade, the girls in my group decided I no longer fit in. I don’t know who made the decision, but they all turned their backs on me, and suddenly, I was on the outside with a phone that no longer rang at night. I’d never wish ostracism on anyone, but during that difficult time, I learned a lot about myself. Here are 7 reasons fitting in is overrated and why it can actually be good for kids when they don’t.
1. When you fit in, it can be harder to speak up.
When your goal is to fit in with a crowd, you don’t have to make a lot of decisions. You accept the status quo or the majority opinion—whether it’s how to dress or what to think. When I didn’t throw eggs at a teacher’s house during a sleepover, I didn’t fit in with the other girls. I made an unpopular choice, but I held true to my values.
2. When you fit in, you aren’t learning self-reliance.
I was terribly lonely in high school the year those girls ostracized me. But I look back now and see that year as very formative in who I am today. By doing things on my own without a crowd to back me up, I learned strength. It’s tough to sit by yourself at lunch or to ask to join kids you don’t know well. But digging deep into yourself can unearth a strength you didn’t know you had.
3. You miss out on others who might be more interesting.
When I didn’t fit in with the crowd, I started looking for new friends. I befriended Julia, the German exchange student. Not only did I have a ton of fun with her, but I learned about a different culture. A year later, I traveled overseas to visit her in Germany. If I’d fit in with my former crowd, this new friendship never would have happened, and I wouldn’t have had this cool opportunity.
4. Fitting in can get you in trouble.
A few months ago, my friend’s honor-roll son skipped school with friends to go to the lake. But despite being a “good” kid, he got a week in detention. His mom told me her son felt pressured. When you always fit in, you might compromise your beliefs for fear of being cast out. What follows can lead to trouble—and sometimes that trouble can take years to reveal itself.
5. When you don’t fit in, you develop empathy.
Sometimes, when kids don’t fit in, it’s because they’re different in some way. In elementary school, my daughter didn’t always fit in because of her food allergies. She couldn’t partake in pizza parties and wearing a fanny pack with an EpiPen didn’t help much either. But through these struggles, she’s developed an eye for the underdog. Sometimes, when you’re on the outside, it’s easier to see others for their wonderfully unique differences.
6. When you always fit in, you lose individuality.
My daughter is now in middle school and unlike me at that age, she’s never said she wanted to be popular. She’s found her own sense of style and a small group of friends who like her and accept her for who she is. She loves Star Wars apparel and doesn’t want her ears pierced. I love her sense of individuality and I sure hope she holds onto it.
7. You lose a bit of yourself when you try to simply “fit in.”
“I saw Ezra cheat again,” my daughter told me. “But I called him on it today. And I told Mr. Peters too.” I knew some kids felt uncomfortable telling on others, more concerned about lying low and fitting in, especially in middle school. But I could see my daughter had had enough. I’m glad she spoke up when she saw something unfair taking place.
Keep a pulse on your child’s activities and communicate often. I’d heard about Ezra for a while and I think by listening to my daughter and supporting her, while staying current on the happenings in her day, I gave her some courage to speak up. A mom’s unconditional, wholehearted love goes a long way in building confidence in kids and helps them feel like they “fit” in some way.
A mom's unconditional, wholehearted love goes a long way in building confidence in kids and helps them feel like they 'fit' in some way. Click To TweetFitting in is overrated when the tradeoffs are inner strength and mental toughness. What other positive benefits of not fitting in can you think of?
