For years, any tension with my wife, Nancie, had the same steps—just different topics. They were as follows:
Step 1: My wife shared something bothering her.
Step 2: I tried to fix her problems with suggestions and encouragement.
Step 3: She argued why all my suggestions and encouragement were flawed.
Step 4: I got frustrated because I thought she didn’t value my opinions.
Step 5: The distance between us grew.
Step 6: We stayed disconnected until one or both of us decided to let it go.
This was our repeated conflict cycle in the early days. Then, one day, she said something to me that changed everything: “I don’t want you to fix it; I want you to feel it.” She just wanted me to be with her. In defense of us fixers, sometimes, our fixing comes from a good place. We just want to help. But sometimes, the reason we try to fix our spouses’ emotions is because we don’t like their emotions. Regardless of our motives, here are 2 statements that can be game changers when we are tempted to fix instead of feel.
1. “That is understandable.”
There are no other words that have simultaneously helped us to avoid conflict and create connection as much as simply saying this: “That is understandable.” The next time your husband is sad or frustrated, say, “You are feeling __________, and that is understandable.” It’s magic. And it’s how you show empathy to your husband.
2. “If I were you, I would feel the same way.”
It’s also important to note that empathy is not about understanding something from your point of view but from the other person’s. In other words, your job isn’t to judge your husband’s emotions as right or wrong from where you’re standing. It’s to move out of your shoes and step into his. So let’s say your husband is neater than you. He wakes up to find a sink full of dirty dishes. He cleans them, but he is frustrated he had to.
Empathy is not about understanding something from your point of view but from the other person's. Click To TweetYou simply say, “I apologize. If I were you, I would feel the same way.” When you use this, you prove you’ve learned how to show empathy to your husband.
The point is, there may be no greater gift you can give your spouse than the gift of feeling understood. And remember, your husband is not a problem to be fixed; he is a person to be loved.
What statements of empathy have you found to be the most effective?
