My daughter left to work at a summer camp just four days after her high school graduation. A couple of weeks later, my wife says to me, “I really miss her.” My knee-jerk relational reaction was to fix things for her by giving her thoughts on how great the summer would be for our daughter. But instead, I was able to catch myself, remembering my wife’s words to me: “I don’t want you to fix it; I want you to feel it.”
While fixing her emotions is not the answer, empathy in marriage is not passive. Empathy is active. Empathy requires an intentional move to step out of your shoes and into your spouse’s. Here are 3 steps of empathy in marriage to help you connect with your spouse.
1. I see you.
Your husband needs you to see him figuratively and literally. Research shows when you make eye contact with your spouse, it tends to create more empathy in you, for him. You can also mirror his emotions. Mirroring (not mocking) his emotions, means matching the look on his face with yours. When you mirror his emotions, it unlocks his mirroring neurons. Mirror neurons are the physiological foundation for empathy. When you mirror his emotions, your eye contact brings the logical part of his brain back online, ultimately helping him feel less distressed.
2. I get you.
Often, when your spouse knows you see him, nothing more is required. But, depending on how your husband is wired, he may need you to verbally acknowledge that you understand the topic and the emotion. For instance: “I can see you are frustrated at work because of the lack of teamwork. That’s understandable.” “I can see you feel my mother overstepped with the kids and that makes you feel devalued as a father.” “You are discouraged with how our son is doing in school despite the time you spent helping him with homework.”
Your husband needs to know that you know. You don’t just hear him. You don’t just see him. You understand him. Once your husband knows you understand and have validated what he is experiencing, empathy has done its job. But depending on your husband and the situation, you may want to consider one final step.
3. I got you.
This is when you leverage what you get about your spouse to let him know “I got you.” This is the part where you ensure your husband knows you have his back. This may mean you do nothing more than letting him know you see him and you get him. But sometimes, it means you should do something. Maybe he needs you to pick up the slack around the house, tell the kids to knock it off, or say you’re sorry. When possible, if it is your behavior that is causing your spouse’s emotional distress, change that behavior, even if you don’t understand it—especially if you don’t understand it. For example, if he is frustrated about your being late, stop being late. The point is, “I got you” is communicating what you are willing to do to help him feel understood.
Empathy in marriage is the start of hope and the protector of close connections.
Empathy in marriage is the start of hope and the protector of close connections. Click To TweetWhat do you say or do to make your spouse feel understood?
