My husband hates it when I tell him how to drive. Specifically, he hates when we’re in a parking lot, and I point to a spot and shout, “Just park there!” I did that on a recent grocery run and he pursed his lips, sighed, and said, “Please stop doing that. It makes me feel like you think I’m incompetent.” I wish I could say my response was, “I’m really sorry. Thank you for telling me. I’ll stop doing that.” I did eventually say something to that effect, but only after I tried to get him to understand why my parking choice was superior.
In times you know you’ve hurt your husband, is your reaction similar to mine—justification for your offense? Cold, dismissive responses like that put distance between you two at a time he needs to know you care. If you want to truly repair the damage, here are 3 warmer, more empathetic options for what to say when you’ve hurt your husband.
1. Instead of responding with “But if you’d just…”
Be warm and empathetic by saying “I understand, and I’m sorry.”
If your husband is being vulnerable enough to let you know you’ve hurt him, don’t make the mistake I did of trying to argue your point. That’s secondary to hearing him and apologizing for the hurt you’ve caused. There will always be another opportunity to hash out a disagreement.
2. Instead of responding coldly with “I can’t deal with this right now…”
Be warm and empathetic by saying “I hear you, and I’m sorry.”
My husband was getting dinner together while I was juggling lunch packing, homework chaos, and tying up loose ends with work. He asked what vegetable we were having, and instead of simply saying “frozen broccoli,” I responded, “It’s on the menu plan on the fridge!” He gave me a look that communicated “was that really necessary?” Instead of apologizing for being rude, I said, “Not now.”
In a perfect world, there would be no distractions when your husband needs your attention, especially when you’ve hurt him. But a short pause and acknowledgment can stop the bleeding while saying “I can’t right now” tells him he’s not important and makes the situation worse.
3. Instead of saying nothing or leaving the room…
Be warm and empathetic by saying “I messed up, and I’m sorry.”
You see his slumped shoulders. You feel the energy in the room change. You realize you’ve offended your husband, but he’s not speaking up. You could just ignore it, hoping he lets it go, or you can acknowledge your mistake, opening the door to a conversation. It takes humility to admit you messed up, but that’s often what it takes to get a closed-off person to let his guard down.
It takes humility to admit you messed up, but that’s often what it takes to get a closed-off person to let his guard down. Click To TweetYou probably picked up on a common thread between each of these things to say when you’ve hurt your husband. They all require you to put something else aside (your perspective, your busyness, your pride) and say you’re sorry. It doesn’t mean those things don’t matter; you’re just choosing what matters more—your marriage.
The last time you hurt your husband, was it apparent? What did you say?
