My friend Kristy called as I was sitting in summer camp car line waiting for my kids to file out and get the afternoon chaos started. Because of the strict “no phones” policy, I tapped the hands-free button and faked like I wasn’t talking. We exchanged pleasantries and then, with a concerned voice, she said her husband texted during his lunch and asked if they could set aside time that evening to have a talk. Funny how the words “talk” and “have a talk” are so similar yet feel so different.
I replied with “mmm” and “huh.” If I could’ve moved my lips more, I would’ve told her that the fact that he wants to talk is a good thing. No one likes saying or hearing any version of “we need to talk,” but the alternative is avoiding a difficult conversation and allowing the issue to grow out of control and take you down. But when do you know it’s time? Here are 5 signs you and your husband need to talk.
1. You text about important things.
Chances are, if the two of you are texting about a difficult topic, you feel some anxiety about discussing it face-to-face. Ask yourself what you’re afraid of. Do you know you’re in disagreement, and texting leaves room to avoid conflict?
That was the case for Kristy and her husband. He wanted to take their daughter out of the school she was in, and he knew Kristy didn’t. They’d been texting about it and getting nowhere. If you’re using your thumbs instead of your lips to discuss big decisions or grievances with your husband, it’s time to say, “We need to talk.”
2. You constantly feel let down.
In college, I long-distance dated a guy who was a habitual canceller. When he did make the drive to see me, I’d get so excited because I really did like him. Inevitably something disappointing would happen like he’d tell me he wanted to see other friends while he was in town. I never spoke up because I was afraid of pushing him away.
Fortunately, all it took to solve that problem was some self-confidence and a breakup. But if you’re married and constantly feeling let down, you have to talk to your husband or resentment will build. Resentment eats away at your peace and most of the time, the person you resent is unaware of how you feel. It can be lethal to a marriage.
3. Your fights lead nowhere.
My husband once bragged about us to friends that “we’re good at fighting.” I scowled at him, not wanting to admit that we fought enough to do it well. But he really did mean it as a compliment. He thought our fights were fair, healthy, and productive.
If you find that most of your fights leave you both feeling worse and there’s rarely a resolution, it’s time to talk it out. Approach the conversation with humility and tell him you know fighting is normal, but you think you have room for improvement. Go over our rules for fighting fair and try a pre-fight warm-up.
4. You’re making big decisions without each other.
Recently, a friend of mine casually mentioned that her husband bought a car without consulting her. And I’m not talking Lexus Christmas commercial-style, when a car shows up in the driveaway topped with a ridiculously large bow. Before work, he told her he was considering it, and he showed up that evening in a new ride. I would’ve lost my mind, but it didn’t seem to bother her.
Only you know what qualifies as a big decision in your marriage. If you find that you’re not consulting your husband on these things and he’s not coming to you, it will leave you both feeling isolated and make emotional intimacy difficult. It’s time to bring the problem into the light and figure out why you’re disconnected.
5. You’re indifferent.
Apathy, or “stonewalling,” as marriage expert Dr. John Gottman calls it, is when you no longer get angry or defensive; you just stop caring. This is a hard one to talk about because apathy usually shows up after other problems have settled into your relationship. Bringing it up is like pulling up a weed that has deep roots. When you grab it and pull, other things are going to come up with it.
Apathy usually shows up after other problems have settled into your relationship. Click To TweetIf you admit to your husband that you’ve given up on him coming home right after work, the conversation will probably lead to you talking about all the nights you fought about it and felt unheard and unappreciated. If you truly feel indifferent toward your husband, or you sense he feels that way toward you, talking about this one with a marriage counselor could save your marriage.
Have you ever found yourself avoiding your husband? What was the sign you needed to talk?
