My daughter goes to a performing arts middle school, and the performing arts high school is the logical next step for most of the eighth graders. Even though I never gave Clare any indication that that would be her next step, I knew her sights were firmly set on it. When the topic finally came up, I just shot straight with her. I told her she couldn’t go to that school because of the significant distance it is from home, and the school schedule severely conflicted with our family’s. But she only saw her dream being crushed—and I was the crusher.
For years, my husband called me a dream crusher because I was quick to point out all the steps (and money) it would take for him to accomplish things like bird-watching in Costa Rica. I wasn’t saying no, but my responses didn’t convey support. When my kids started calling me “The Dream Crusher,” I knew something had to change—me. So I found ways to support their dreams and show them they had a get-it-done girl on their team. Here are 5 ways to be a dream executor instead of executioner.
1. Ask questions.
My kids have begged for a dog since they could speak. Once they realized they weren’t going to wear me down on the puppy front, they shifted their efforts to a hamster. They began by saying, “We have an idea. Just hear us out.” I followed up their proposal with a litany of questions: Who will feed it? Who will clean the cage? Where will we keep it? I think everyone (including myself) expected me to say no, but they had a solid plan, and a hamster felt like a perfect pet compromise and an easy dream to support. Questions help determine if a goal is reasonable, and they allow you to steer the conversation in a way that promotes ownership.
2. Create actionable steps.
When my oldest child was ready to start babysitting, I was reluctant to jump into that new stage. Rather than crush her spirits, I asked her to walk me through her babysitting goals. She had already looked up a babysitting course and planned to pay me back for the cost of it after her first babysitting job. She suggested practicing with her brothers before offering her services to others, and she had a list of people who told her to let them know when she started babysitting. Action steps, timelines, and specific targets make it easier to move forward with goals—and they improve the likelihood of success.
3. Review regularly.
My entrepreneurial husband always has a business idea up his sleeve. I tend to go for the sure thing, but he’s OK with an occasional swing-and-a-miss. Reviewing goals is necessary for sanity and success. It’s in the review stage that you can make tweaks and adjustments rather than just ditching a dream altogether. If your daughter takes guitar lessons to fulfill her dream of being the next Taylor Swift, the review stage will help her see how far she’s come as well as how far she still needs to go.
4. Revise without shame.
My son wanted to run a 5K, and his goal of finishing in under 20 minutes was very ambitious. He created action steps, but a few training runs indicated that his goal was unattainable. I didn’t need to be the person to tell him that and crush his spirit. Standing behind him, and supporting him through the process, was more valuable than bursting his bubble. Sometimes a dream needs to be scrapped—like my husband’s idea of building an adventure park in our suburban community—but I can’t think of a single good reason to ever say “I told you so.”
5. Acknowledge your child’s trust.
It’s a special privilege to be entrusted with your child’s dreams. Be considerate of the person who is vulnerable enough to share his or her dreams with you. I want the people in my life to keep coming to me with their ideas and visions. The world is full of critics, and our kids need us to be their biggest advocates. Encouragement has no cost, but it provides tremendous value, so let them dream big.
Be considerate of the person who is vulnerable enough to share his or her dreams with you. Click To TweetWhat advice do you have for how to support someone’s dreams?
