“Mom, our team’s going to Cedar Point next month!” my daughter said, shaking with excitement. “I’m going to finally ride a roller coaster!” I felt my stomach flip at the thought of my little girl going a hundred miles an hour down a 300-foot drop. Never mind the fact that I rode rides like this one every summer as a kid. Something about letting my daughter go made me feel all squishy inside. “Oh?” I asked. “Is it definite?” She nodded furiously. I tried to smile but found I couldn’t look her in the eye to make it genuine.
A big part of me doesn’t want to let my kids ever go on a roller coaster. Or on any field trips to faraway cities with the school band. Or on a date. I don’t relish my fuddy-duddy persona, but it moved in somewhere around mid-pregnancy and has decided to stay indefinitely—if I continue to let it. But by the time my daughter wanted to take on the Millennium Force, I had this nagging suspicion I shouldn’t hold her back anymore. I often wonder: When should parents let go? I’ve found it’s a gradual process. Here are 4 reasons we need to start getting out of our kids’ ways and let them grow up.
1. They need to learn how to handle mistakes without you.
When my daughter started middle school, she went from having no homework and no letter grades to having both overnight. At the beginning of the year, she didn’t quite understand the negative impact missing assignments had on her grades. So, I helped her construct an email to her teacher and she learned how to handle this situation. Later in the year, when it happened again, I encouraged her to write the email without my help and to stay after class and talk to the teacher in person. Even though my child didn’t get the same allowances she had in the fall, she learned to take care of things herself and this is an important skill as kids grow up.
When should parents let go at school? It varies by child, but gradually easing up is the better way to go. Being your own advocate takes practice and courage.
Being your own advocate takes practice and courage. Click To Tweet2. They need to build confidence in their own abilities.
The plan had been for me to meet my son at school, and we’d bike across the busy intersection home together. But when he called to tell me he’d gotten out of his club meeting early, I hadn’t even gotten my bike out of the garage. After talking it through, we decided he could do it alone. Let me tell you, I started to sweat. I checked the window too many times to count! But when I spotted his red helmet coming down the street, I felt a rush of happiness. He did it! And when I ran out to the driveway to see him, he smiled with a new sense of accomplishment.
My son knew the way home and we’d biked the neighborhood plenty of times together. Giving him a chance to go alone told him I believed in him. Kids need opportunities to do hard things on their own. It’s part of growing up and developing self-reliance and self-esteem. Chances are, it’s harder for you than it is for them.
3. They need to get used to the sound of their own voices.
We sat in urgent care last weekend, my daughter cradling her swollen finger. “What happened?” the doctor asked her, bending down to take her hand. My daughter turned her big blue eyes toward me, but I shook my head. “You explain, sweetie,” I said. My daughter can be quiet in new situations, but I’m trying to teach her to speak for herself.
In a situation like this one, with me at her side and people who wanted to help her, it’s a safe space to get used to using her voice. If she can summon her courage there, it’ll be easier on the playground or the girls’ locker room when I’m not around. Help your child practice. Wait before stepping in. It’s so important for children to learn this skill while they’re young!
4. They need to make their own choices.
“It’s late,” I told my son after the band concert. “You need to sleep.” He set down his instrument in the hall. “But,” he said. “I have to finish my math homework.” I glanced at the time, ready for bed myself. “All right. Your choice,” I said, wanting to enforce bedtime but appreciating that he took his schoolwork seriously. He gave a quick nod and scrambled to the table, opening his book.
When should parents let go of control? Licensed professional counselor Allison Edwards says as kids get older, it’s important to “slowly release control.” Easing up on the boundaries is a gradual thing so kids don’t feel unsafe but also so they don’t remain too sheltered. Moms, if this is hard for you, know you’re not alone. I’m with you on this one. But we can do it!
This article is based on Allison Edwards’s book Why Smart Kids Worry And What Parents Can Do to Help.
When should parents let go? Is there an age that’s best for parents to start easing up?
