“Just go outside and run around.” That was my mom’s response when, at 13, I told her I wanted to lose weight. It wasn’t horrible advice, but it didn’t work. I didn’t want to run around. So instead, I looked at the calorie count on some of the food we had around the house, noticed that a slice of bread only had 75 calories, and decided my “diet” would be just eating bread.
What do you do if your child says he or she wants to lose weight? Research shows that dieting is generally ineffective at reducing body weight in adolescents but can have major impacts on mental health. I’m sure you’re not surprised to hear that eating bread alone didn’t help me lose weight, but it did lead to feelings of failure and frustration. So first, give yourself a pat on the back if your child feels comfortable enough to come to you. And if you want to know how to talk to your child about weight, start by listening for answers to these 5 questions.
What’s your goal?
This doesn’t mean you go online and calculate your child’s BMI or figure out a good goal weight. Your son or daughter’s answer to this question might be a number, but dig deeper. Does she want to fit in a pair of jeans? Does he want to get stronger? Thinner? Look like someone else?
Knowing your child’s goal for losing weight will help you determine what to do next. You might discover it’s not actually about the number on the scale at all.
Why do you think looking different will make you happier?
If my mom had asked me this when I came to her, my answer would’ve been, “Because the thin girls don’t have to worry about their thighs touching or their bellies sticking out, and the boys pay attention to them.” She would’ve had a glimpse into my heart. Then again, it’s possible that I would’ve just said, “I don’t know,” so you might have to probe a little deeper.
If you get an eye-opening answer to this question, tread lightly. Don’t tell her she’s wrong for thinking she’ll be happy if she loses weight as that might make her feel like you don’t understand. Tell her you hear her, and remember that body issues are often more about the mind, so use the opportunity to pour on the encouraging words to build her self-worth.
Who else is trying to lose weight?
This question can clue you in on what to do next. If her answer is “no one,” then it might mean you need to do a social media purge or think about what TV shows she’s watching. If she names friends, ask what kind of dieting those kids are doing and if she thinks they should be trying to lose weight.
If you want to be bold, reach out privately to the mothers of the friends. Talk about how you can team up to encourage your kids to embrace body positivity. There’s power in numbers and sometimes it just takes one good friend to help a kid feel good about herself.
Where are these thoughts coming from?
Considering most adults aren’t aware of the power of outside influences, it’s not reasonable to think your teen or tween is either. Still, it’s a question worth asking. Maybe there’s someone at school or on social media making comments. Maybe she’s following an influencer who is very body-conscious. Maybe she’s into fashion and hyper-aware of what clothes flatter certain body types.
And you should brace yourself, because the answer might hit close to home. She might say she sees you constantly pinching extra skin, frowning at what you see in the mirror, or commenting about food being too “fattening.” The way we talk to ourselves about our bodies will leave a strong impression on our kids.
The way we talk to ourselves about our bodies will leave a strong impression on our kids. Click To TweetHow can we get healthier together?
Instead of encouraging your child to step on the scale and set a goal for weight loss, ask your child what ideas he or she has for the family to adopt a healthier lifestyle. Maybe she’ll want to start cooking healthy meals at home instead of going out to dinner. Or maybe he’ll want to start going for a walk in the evening after dishes are done. Talk more openly about enjoying food for how it tastes and appreciating the ways our bodies work. Encouraging our kids to find joy in movement and a delicious meal is a great way to help them build a healthy relationship with their bodies.
What other wise words for how to talk to your child about weight would you add?
