“That level was amazing!” I heard my kids and husband laughing as I walked down to the basement to take care of a few chores. Jealous of the fun they were having playing video games while I worked, I breathed out a deep sigh as I reached for the cat litter. The kids looked over at me and then turned back to the game. “Everything OK?” my husband asked. I sighed again. “Yes. It’s fine.”
Later that night, my husband said he noticed I was sighing a lot lately and wanted to know if I was upset about something. “Didn’t you know I wanted help with the chores?” I asked him. He said he did not. It was then that I finally realized how often I was showing passive-aggressive behavior and how ineffective it was. While they feel right in the moment and you might not realize you’re doing them, these 5 passive-aggressive behaviors are actually counterproductive.
Sighing Excessively
Physically, our bodies need to sigh sometimes. When we’re stressed, we take shallow breaths, our lungs tighten up, and we don’t get as much oxygen. A sigh forces a rush of air into and out of our lungs and allows them to relax. Repeated sighing communicates a message of annoyance or self-pity to those around you.
So when you notice yourself sighing one big sigh after another, ask yourself if you are under stress and what you can do to alleviate it.
Rolling Your Eyes (And Other Facial Expressions)
It’s amazing how much a person can communicate with a roll of the eyes, raise of the eyebrows, or pursing of the lips. We can say “this is dumb” or “that’s never going to happen” without actually saying it. How convenient! But these facial expressions can be habit-forming. They’re also often interpreted as a sign of disrespect or contempt, both of which can erode a relationship.
Instead of using your face to convey a message, use words. Express your feelings respectfully, and the person you’re talking to is much more likely to do the same for you.
Talking in an Annoyed or Whiny Tone
We can say the “right” words all day, but with the “wrong” tone, the message we intend will not come through. When you say it with an annoyed tone, something like “Why didn’t you take out the trash?” comes across as “I’m mad at you.” We’ve learned to stop and put a filter on our words, but we forget to filter our tone too. And all that emotion just comes spilling out, loud and clear.
To fix this, pause before you speak and be intentional about saying it plainly. You can even catch yourself using a negative tone and say, “Wait. Let me try that again.” Then repeat it in a calmer, less emotional tone.
Using Sarcasm
“Great job clearing your plate tonight.” Although this sounds like a compliment, when said sarcastically, we’re communicating annoyance that somebody did not clear the plate. Sometimes we use sarcasm to deliver a message in a funny way, but there’s a fine line between funny and mean. Kids, and sometimes adults, find sarcasm difficult to interpret.
When you’re truly annoyed or angry, use a more direct method and save the sarcasm for a lighthearted moment. Just say, “Please come and clear your plate,” or tell the child what the consequence will be for forgetting again tomorrow.
Saying “It’s Fine” When It’s Not
It’s obvious from my story that I am guilty of this one, as so many of us are. We say something is “fine” when it’s really not fine at all. Maybe we want everything to be fine, or it’s not a good time to discuss it. But other times—let’s be honest—we just want our family to figure out what we need on their own because it really doesn’t seem that hard to figure out.
But ladies, our kids and spouses don’t have the same ability as we do to read nonverbal cues and assess needs, so don’t say it’s fine. Our families need us to tell them what we need before we reach our breaking points.
Our families need us to tell them what we need before we reach our breaking points. Click To TweetAt the very heart of it, passive-aggressive behavior tries to communicate a message, but in a roundabout way, full of bitterness and blame. On top of that, it’s counterproductive because it doesn’t clearly or respectfully communicate what we want, need, or feel. So unless the person to whom we’re speaking is Sherlock Holmes, the situation is doomed to repeat itself until you decide to take a more straightforward approach.
Which passive-aggressive behaviors do you find are the hardest to avoid?
