“Any news from the guys?” I asked, trying to sound casual. My son closed his laptop and glared at me. “You can only ask that question once per day. And your limit’s up.” Annoyed, I turned around and left. I got the distinct impression I was bugging him. It made me angry. Why did puberty have to come and mess up our great relationship?
As he’s grown into a teen, my son has wanted to communicate more on his terms. He wants more privacy, and though it’s hard for me at times, I know it’s important to give him room. As our kids grow, we have to learn how to grow with them. And with teens, there are 4 teenage conversation topics they should have the privilege of bringing up with us first.
1. Love Interests
“If you want to push our son away, ask him about girls,” my husband warned. I stared at him, mouth open. I didn’t understand it. Why couldn’t I ask about Alice, our son’s lab partner? My husband clarified: “You’re going to embarrass him. No teen—especially a boy—wants their mom butting into their private life. He’s not a little kid anymore, and this is new territory for him.” Oh. When I stopped to think about it, I remembered how mortified I, too, felt as a teen when my parents asked about boys over dinner. More than once, I threw a napkin over my face so I wouldn’t have to look at them.
Teenagers like their privacy, especially when they have a crush or love interest. If they get embarrassed, they might clam up or completely steer clear of us—definitely not something we want. So giving them room might be a good idea, unless you have reason for concern.
2. Friendship Issues
My friend Tori’s daughter had been through some challenging friend situations in the past year, but 16-year-old Kate had worked through them. Still, Tori worried. Kate hadn’t shown much interest talking to Tori about it, and the lack of information from her daughter only made Tori worry. But Kate recently told her, “Mom, you don’t need to come to me and ask how I’m doing. I’ll let you know if I need to talk.” It was reassuring to Tori, but it just felt different.
Even though it’s hard when our teens push back on our questions or interest in their lives, we should try to give them space. In some ways, we can be proud of their desire to resolve conflicts without us. Pressuring our kids to divulge information will only have the opposite effect of what we want. Instead, to maintain a good relationship with our teens, we need to hand over the reins and let them drive those teenage conversation topics with us.
Pressuring our kids to divulge information will only have the opposite effect of what we want. Click To Tweet3. Anything Considered Embarrassing or Too Personal
“I want him to wash his face and take care of his skin. But when I bring it up, he acts like it doesn’t matter,” my friend Cassie said bout her teen son. So she has taken another route with him. “I stuck a magazine article about acne on his mirror.” She told me later that after he left the bathroom one night, she found a wet washcloth hanging up to dry. Victory!
Certain teenage conversation topics have become off-limits for moms because adolescents can get embarrassed and shut down. I’m taking a play from Cassie’s book and instead of bringing up hygiene with my teens, I drop supplies on their beds—and we don’t discuss it unless they bring it up with me.
4. Nitty-Gritty Details on Anything
Tori told me her daughter Kate used to fill her in on everything happening in her life. But now, for example, Kate wants to listen to the radio or be on her phone while they’re driving around. Tori said she’s trying to “keep a balance of giving her space but also letting her know I’m always here for a chat.” That’s great advice. Telling your teen you respect her privacy but reminding her the door’s always open to talk lets her know you trust her and her growing sense of autonomy.
Teens want more privacy in adolescence, and they crave more control over their lives. The authors of The Self-Driven Child say that “a student’s sense of control lowers with every year they attend school.” There’s just a lot more pressure to perform. It’s no wonder our teens don’t want 20 questions from us when they get home. Let’s try to give our kids more trust and space along with the knowledge they can always bring anything to us—when they’re ready.
What teenage conversation topics are off-limits in your home unless your teen brings them up?
