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A Simple Way to Discover Your Child’s Love Language

Do you know your love language? How about your husband’s? It’s worth it to take the 5 Love Languages quiz because knowing how you and your husband give and receive love is a game changer. Just like love languages can help couples communicate love more clearly, they can also help parents and kids. You might be showing your kids love, but if you don’t know how to express love in their language, they won’t get the message.

Prime example—one of my kids said, “Mom, do you love me?” and I replied, “Of course! I give you kisses and hugs and make you special snacks.” He interrupted my litany and said, “But my friend and his mom have pizza night together, just the two of them.” Ouch. I’d forgotten my son’s love language was quality time. If you’re not sure what your child’s love language is, you don’t have to give him a quiz. You can discover it just by giving choices. Here’s how.

You might be showing your kids love, but if you don't know how to express it in their language, they won't get the message. Click To Tweet

The Basics of the 5 Love Languages

If you haven’t heard of the five love languages, developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, here’s the concept in a nutshell: They’re different ways of expressing and receiving love. They are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. One way to discover your child’s love language is by offering choices. Of course, the choices depend on age and interest.

Giving choices will be helpful only if you do it often enough to see a pattern showing a clear preference for a love language. You’ll probably need to offer 20 to 30 choices before you can see a clear pattern emerging. Isolated answers may indicate the preference of the moment.

Choices for a 5-Year-Old

“Would you like for me to help you put your toys away (acts of service) or for us to take a walk in the park (quality time)?”

“Would you rather wrestle (physical touch) or read a story together (quality time)?”

“While I am out of town for two days, would you rather I bring a present (gift) or write you a poem about what a wonderful boy you are (words of affirmation)?”

“Would you like it more if I told you the reasons I love you (words of affirmation) or fix your broken toy (acts of service)?”

Choices for a 10-Year-Old

“For your birthday, would you rather have a new bicycle (gift) or a weekend away with me (quality time)?”

“Would you rather I fix your computer this evening (acts of service) or that we play basketball together (quality time and physical touch)?”

“When we see Grandma this weekend, would you prefer that I tell her what a great job you did in school this quarter (words of affirmation) or that I buy you a surprise when we are there for doing so well (gift)?”

“Would you prefer I watch you practice your gymnastics (quality time) or that we buy you a new set of tights (gift)?”

Choices for a 15-Year-Old

You and your child have bought an old car that you are trying to get in good condition by the time he is 16. The option is, “This Saturday, would you like us to work on the car together (quality time) or would you rather I work on it while you spend time with your friends (acts of service)?”

“Would you prefer we buy you a jacket Saturday afternoon (gift) or that the two of us spend time at the cabin while Dad is away (quality time)?”

“Since you and I are the only ones at home tonight, would you rather we eat out (quality time) or that I fix your favorite meal (acts of service)?”

“If you are feeling discouraged and I wanted to build you up, which would be more helpful to you—if I sat down and told you how much I love and appreciate you and then mentioned some of your positive traits (words of affirmation) or if I simply gave you a bear hug and said ‘I’m with you’ (physical touch)?”

If you have teenagers…

A teenager in this difficult stage may not be open to any love language except physical touch, and even then, you have to be quick about it. Of course, these teens do come up for air now and then, and during their more coherent times you will want to show them all the love you can, especially in their own primary language.

Still speak all five languages.

Whatever your child’s love language may be, remember it’s important to speak all five languages. Then you’ll be helping your child to learn how to give and receive in all the love languages. If you struggle to show love in a language that’s not one of your primary languages, envision your child moving into adulthood. Your well-rounded expression of love will enable him or her to share love with others in different ways.

Do you think you know your child’s love language? How do you know?

Taken with permission from The 5 Love Languages of Children by Dr. Gary Chapman.

ASK YOUR CHILD...

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