I called a good friend, but she didn’t answer—again. I stared at my phone in disbelief. Months passed before I heard from her again, which is when she confessed: She needed a break from me and my Poor Me Syndrome.
Becoming a single mom can be emotionally challenging because you have to deal with a relationship ending while also having to still be present as a mom. It can be hard to shift away from thinking about the negative, but you can do it and start living a better, more hopeful life. Here are 4 ways to avoid Poor Me Syndrome as a single mom.
1. Write a new story.
One of my single mom friends recently found her old welfare benefits card and posted it on social media. In the caption, she confessed that although people know her as a successful entrepreneur, she dropped out of college, she used to be on welfare, and there was a time she was unable to pay her car insurance. She used her story to encourage others not to allow their pasts to hinder who they can be in the future.
You can’t change the past, but you can decide to write a new story that focuses on who you want to be and what’s possible. Create goals, decide how you want to feel, and think about things that bring you joy. This will help you begin to create your new story.
You can’t change the past, but you can decide to write a new story that focuses on who you want to be and what’s possible. Click To Tweet2. Accept happiness when it comes.
Almost everybody smiled and laughed around the table at a friend’s birthday dinner—except for me. I wanted to be happy, but I wouldn’t let myself have a good time. I worried that if I enjoyed spending time with people, it wouldn’t last long because, surely, they’d eventually hurt me.
Something someone did or said could have led to a belief that you’re undeserving of happiness. Or feeling down may feel more comfortable because allowing yourself to be happy is scary. When you admit you’re happy, you admit you have something to lose. Therapy can help you understand barriers to accepting happiness and develop strategies to learn how to accept happiness from now on.
3. Take responsibility for your actions.
I had been having the same conversation with my life coach for months. I kept blaming my kids’ dad for my anger, financial challenges, and inability to move forward from the brokenness I felt because of how he treated me when he left. She eventually said, “I know he was wrong. But what did you do that could have contributed to this situation?” Anger began to fill me at the thought she believed I bore responsibility for how he left. When I calmed down, I said, “I allowed him to determine how I felt about me. That hurt kept me stuck and impacted my finances.”
People with Poor Me Syndrome tend to blame others and look at life through the lens of what is happening to them. This results in feelings of powerlessness and the inability to move forward. Even if someone was at fault for an offense, find what you can take responsibility for. Did you ignore red flags or enable bad behavior? Accepting responsibility can help you to forgive, change your response to a situation, and develop a new narrative for your life. This can be tough, so be kind to yourself during the process.
4. Reclaim your power by finding solutions.
I cried as I packed up my home to move. I couldn’t afford my mortgage, and my support system was out of state. I didn’t want to move because I lived in my dream house in a place I’d lived most of my adult life. But I knew moving was best for me and my children.
As a single mom, there are times when things feel hard, out of control, and almost impossible to overcome. It’s OK to acknowledge feelings of hurt. It’s also OK to acknowledge the reality of the situation. But don’t fall into the trap of complaining or self-pity. Reclaim your power by finding solutions and taking one step forward at a time.
Have you ever dealt with Poor Me Syndrome? How did you overcome it?
