My friend and I sat on my patio as our kids played in the back yard. She shrugged and said, “And he didn’t show up. Again.” Having both been through a divorce, she and I connected on the ups and downs of co-parenting, but I didn’t really have any words of wisdom for what to do when your kids get let down by their father. My ex-husband is a great dad. So, I just said, “I’m really sorry. I know it must hurt you to see your daughters’ hearts get broken over and over again.”
She said she was tempted to ream him out via text but thought better of it. I confirmed that was a smart move. It would probably have fallen on deaf ears or been taken the wrong way. But sitting by as he constantly disappointed her girls was driving her crazy. What do you do to soften the blow when your children’s father keeps letting them down?
1. Be a safe place for them.
My friend’s two daughters react differently to their dad’s mistakes. One gets angry and slams doors, and the other shuts down and holes up in her room with a book. She told me, “I want to tell them he’s not losing sleep over missing their recital, so they shouldn’t either, but I hold my tongue.”
She’s doing the right thing by giving them a safe place to feel their disappointment. She doesn’t force them to let it go or cope the way she would.
2. Give them tools. 
No mother wants to see her children suffer, but the blessing is that you get to be there to teach them how to handle it in a healthy way. My friend said the daughter who gets angry usually cools off and is ready to talk after she’s jumped in the pool and swam a few laps. The other daughter has learned to use words like “confused” and “lonely” instead of just “sad” to describe what she’s feeling.
As our children grow up, they are going to face more disappointment. Those moments might not be as hurtful as Dad skipping a birthday party, but you have the opportunity now to hand them skills that will help them grow into healthier adults. Our free printable Feelings Wheel is a great tool to help your children find the right word to describe what they’re feeling.
You have the opportunity now to hand them skills that will help them grow into healthier adults. Click To Tweet3. Get them counseling.
Fortunately, therapy is losing its stigma. While it’s not a free solution for what to do when your kids get let down by their father, it’s going to offer your kids a priceless gift: personalized tools from a trained professional.
Yes, do what you can to help your children, but remember, a therapist knows better what to listen for and what to say to remind them that the actions of their father are not a reflection of their worth. Plus, advice often gets taken more seriously when it comes from someone other than Mom.
4. Listen.
My friend’s 12-year-old came home from a weekend at her dad’s and reported, “He told us we were going for pizza and a movie on Saturday. But then he was too tired and I had to make us an oven pizza.” She’d already processed the disappointment, so my friend just sat with her and stroked her hair.
If you’re not there to soften the blow when the letdown happens, be sure to listen well when your kids come back home to you. Don’t immediately give advice or start calling him names. If you think he’s jeopardizing their safety, wait until you’ve had time to calm down and then call him. Don’t text.
5. Pray for them (and yourself).
So many issues with co-parenting are out of your control. I know that when I worry about my kids while they’re at school or when they’re sick or hurting, asking God to be with them always brings me comfort.
I believe that God loves your children even more than you do. God gave your child an earthly father and in his failure, God can step in to provide love and care that enables your child to live whole-heartedly. If you’re not sure what to pray for, start with our printable “10 Ways to Pray for Your Child.”
What are some wise words you’ve heard for what to do when your kids get let down by their father?
