“No offense, but you’re always whining about us being on screens or doing the wrong thing.” “Can you just not come inside so my friends don’t see you?” “I don’t want you to hug me anymore.” These are just some of the ways our teens and tweens let us know they want more independence and less of our presence. And even though we know from our own teen and tween days that this is natural, teenage rejection of parents still stings.
When my son said one of those things to me a few days ago, I’ll admit I was a little hurt and spent the next several hours rethinking our relationship. Now that I have some separation from the moment, I can see a path forward for handling rejection from my teenagers. It’s not going to be easy, but if you’ve felt rejected by your teen or tween like I have, these 7 things will help us both.
1. Stop making it about you.
As difficult as it can be to remember, most of the time, your teenager’s behavior has nothing to do with you. Hearing my son’s rejection certainly brought my own needs to the surface, but when I shifted my perspective to see him for who he is independent of me and my needs, I could respond from a much better place.
2. Use listening words.
When my son told me I was “always whining about screens,” I wanted to defend myself and quickly started launching into another lecture. Instead, I shifted gears and said, “I hear you.” It shifted the conversation completely.
3. Accept their age and stage.
Is this kind of independence normal at her age? How much is OK? Is he hiding something? What is the healthiest way to handle this? So many questions come to mind when we’re in a stressful parenting moment. That’s why it’s important to remember that we’re not alone and what we’re going through isn’t unique to us. Doing some research on the topic can help us gain perspective. The iMOM Ages & Stages resource page is a good place to start.
4. Don’t withdraw.
Don’t take away your love and affection just because your kids take theirs away for a moment—or even a day or a week. Stay steady. Keep making yourself available. Let your teen know you care, but don’t be a verbal punching bag. It’s important to say “you can’t talk to me that way,” but it’s also important to lean in and assure your kid that you still care.
5. Keep giving your attention.
Whether they admit it or not, our teenagers crave our attention. It’s actually the secret wish of every teenager. So no matter how many times they make us feel rejected, we need to keep making room (and putting down our phones) when they come close to talk about something. I find my teenagers are much more likely to talk to me when I’m sitting on the couch reading a book than any other time, so I always try to put down my book and chat when they show me they’re ready—even when it’s inconvenient.
Whether they admit it or not, our teenagers crave our attention. Click To Tweet6. Watch for warning signs.
While not every cry for independence is a cause for concern, there are several warning signs that tell us something is off with our kids. For example, dealing with technology differently, telling white lies, withdrawing from social settings, detaching from family. Don’t ignore those warning signs. If you see any, you’ll know your feelings of rejection aren’t the real issue and you can focus your attention on setting things right or addressing your child’s needs instead.
7. Find support.
Teenage rejection of parents is brutal on moms, but you don’t have to carry this or any kind of rejection alone. You can always share your hurt, ask questions, talk it out, or just cry with trusted friends, your husband, or through prayer.
What is something you try to remember when your teen rejects you?
