I kissed my fiancé goodnight and said, “Text me when you get home!” He smirked. I closed the door, and two minutes later, my phone pinged: “I’m home.” He was living in an extra bedroom at my parents’ house, which is just down the block. We decided we didn’t want to live together before we got married, partially because I had two small children but also because we’d experienced enough of life to know cohabitation before marriage isn’t the best way to prepare for marriage.
But I’m finding that way of thinking is rare among people today. In fact, a number of parents say they not only wouldn’t caution against it, but they would actually encourage their kids to live with a significant other before saying “I do.” How about you? This conversation with your kids might still be a long way off, but your voice matters, so before you answer yes or no, here are some arguments to take to heart.
Why People Think Cohabitation Before Marriage Is Wise
“You don’t really know a person until you live with him.”
“You test drive a car, and that’s a lot less of a commitment.”
“It’s practical. Living together can better set you up financially.”
“You get to spend more time together.”
“Sharing expenses leads to less stress and more freedom to enjoy the relationship.”
“Being in love with someone is different than being able to live with him.”
“It’s a great test of the relationship. And it’s lower risk because you don’t have to divorce if it doesn’t work out.”
“You have to get below the surface and know the parts of a person that really matter before you say ‘I do.’”
Marriage is the biggest commitment a person will ever make, and it’s worth taking seriously and going in prepared. I’ve been through a divorce. I know the hurt and strife it brings, so I want my kids to be married once and for life. I’m not alone. All parents want what’s best for their kids, so if they seek our advice about a big decision like this, we have to take the words we’re going to say seriously and really give them some thought.
Why You Should Caution Against It
The Message You’re Sending About Love
If you tell your kids to move in with a significant other because they’ll identify deal breakers, you’re communicating that love is conditional—“I’ll love you and stay with you as long as it’s not too difficult.” Yes, there are things you can learn about a person that would make you incompatible in marriage, but the things that truly matter can be discovered without living under the same roof. Likening cohabitation to a “trial run” suggests approaching the relationship as “Can this work?” instead of “What does it take to make marriage work, and am I willing to do that?”
The Numbers
Are you a statistics person? Then get this: Research does not support that cohabitation before marriage improves the odds of staying married. Now, cohabitation does have short-term benefits. The couples who lived together before marriage had a higher success rate in the first year. They had a leg up in that initial acclimation time. But the correlation ends there. According to a study by Rosenfeld and Roesler, beyond the first year, there is a higher risk of divorce. Another study by Rhoades, Stanley, and Markman found that marital quality is lower among those who started living together before engagement or marriage. That same study found that women who reported cohabiting for reasons of convenience were more likely to report lower levels of confidence in their relationships, less commitment, and higher levels of negative dynamics with their partners.
Those studies are just the tip of the iceberg. Considering the amount of research that exists citing the correlation between cohabitation and divorce or dissatisfaction in marriage, we simply cannot responsibly tell our kids it’s the smart thing to do.
Considering the amount of research that exists citing the correlation between cohabitation and divorce or dissatisfaction in marriage, we simply cannot responsibly tell our kids it’s the smart thing to do. Click To TweetThe Inertia of Cohabitation
Simply put, once you move in together, it’s hard to change directions. Often, couples decide to live together before having mutual clarity on big issues. Once they merge lives, a breakup means a seismic shift, so they’re often willing to overlook red flags. When a friend told me she was having second thoughts about her relationship and I asked why she won’t break up with her boyfriend, she said, “We have a dog, and I don’t know how we would decide who gets her.”
When you live with a significant other, the decision to marry is often more of a “coasting” than an intentional decision. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my kids to coast into marriage. I want it to be something they choose for the right reason and with the right person.
What would you tell your child if he or she came to you asking for advice on living with a significant other before marriage?
