As I watched my teenager drive away in a car full of friends, a strange discomfort came over me. She didn’t have a car yet, but her best friend had just gotten one. And yes, they were 16 years old, and it was perfectly normal and legal, but it felt off—awkward even. Why did I seem to be feeling this way so often lately?
There is a certain awkwardness that all moms of teens will feel as their children go through the teenage years, but feeling awkward doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something wrong. In fact, it might be an indication you’re doing something right. Here are 5 reasons why.
1. The way we care for them is shifting.
I was shopping for shoes with my teen recently, and without thinking, I reached to feel her toe at the end of the shoe to check the fit. She jerked it away. “Mom! I can tell if it fits by myself.” I paused, lost in thought for a minute. Oh, that hurt. She doesn’t need me. But of course not; she’s too old for that! Why did you do that? Can you relate to this kind of internal dialogue?
It’s OK that we do these things, and it’s OK that our teens tell us not to (in a respectful way). Moms of teens will gradually move away from doing things for them while moving toward our role as an advisor. Our job is to teach them to do life without us and that’s awkward since we’ve cared for them since before they were born.
2. The way we listen and respond is shifting.
A few months ago, I felt like my two teens were being closed off. They seemed to be sharing fewer personal stories and struggles, and our conversations seemed awkwardly short and shallow. After talking to a friend, I decided to try her approach—listen 80 percent and respond 20 percent! And when I responded, I could not give any advice unless they requested it. Instead, I was to listen, validate, and repeat.
Although I had to bite my tongue a lot, I saw results immediately! My teens talked longer and more freely and sometimes even thanked me for listening. This was apparently just what they needed to feel free to open up.
3. The way we manage their activities is shifting.
When our kids are young, we arrange everything from playdates to sports to bedtime. But especially when our teens begin to drive, they want to make all these decisions for themselves. This is super awkward for some parents and, frankly, difficult to give up.
More and more, we have to shift the decisions about their activities over to them. What classes to take, which extracurriculars to pursue, and what their work schedules will be are their decisions to make. When it affects us or the rest of the family, we should still speak up. But we can’t micromanage their lives—even if that means watching them make mistakes.
4. The risks we allow them to take are shifting.
Staying out later, going to a concert, and driving—all these risks are shifts for us as moms, and they can feel very uncomfortable. In some ways, we still see them as 5-year-olds who need help crossing the street.
So how do we know which risks to let them take? This isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer. But the point is to keep letting out the reins, little by little. Look at your teenager and ask yourself, “Where is my child on the trust and responsibility scale?” That’s impacted by the good and bad decisions your kid has been making lately. Wherever they are on the scale, move forward in baby steps, and hand out praise when they follow through. Say something like, “I’m really proud of you for handling that so well. I knew you could do it.”
5. The way our teens depend on us is shifting.
Last year, my teen and I were going shopping for a homecoming dress (or so I thought). But when we pulled into the parking lot, she said, “OK, thanks! I’ll text you when we’re finished.” I just looked at her with a blank expression as she hopped out of the car. Apparently, I was just her ride.
It can feel awkward and even sting a little when we feel like “just a ride” or “just a credit card,” but we know we’re so much more than that. It’s natural that they shift to depend on us less. If they didn’t, we’d likely experience an unhealthy reliance that we’d regret when our teens are grown. The awkwardness moms of teens experience by leaving room for growth in their kids will lead to a balanced relationship down the road.
The awkwardness moms of teens experience by leaving room for growth in their kids will lead to a balanced relationship down the road. Click To TweetMoms of teens, in what way do you feel like parenting is awkward?
