My friend’s daughter Catie turned 2 the same month my daughter turned 12. On weekly walks around the neighborhood, we discovered we shared some common struggles. Her newly mobile little girl couldn’t clearly communicate her needs, so she cried, hit, and threw things. My daughter, 10 years older, also wasn’t communicating well. I now witnessed more slammed bedroom doors than during her first dozen years of life combined. A temper had arrived, along with impatience for her mom. My friend and I wondered if our sweet girls had vanished for good.
Another set of birthdays passed. Catie turned 3, and my daughter turned 13. Life changed again in our two households. As it turns out, the year between 12 and 13 is emotional. And if you’re parenting tweens who’ve already turned 12, you know it’s emotional for you too. But terrible or terrific, here are some tween changes that are coming and how you can support your child.
1. Emotions might get out of whack.
Rollercoaster ride. How else can I describe the emotions of a kid on the brink of puberty? Throw in a new rude streak, and you’ve got a 12-year-old. My kid told me, “You’re the best mom ever!” Then, seconds later, “I want to be alone!” It’s dizzying. Both boys and girls may feel on top of the world one minute and sad the next thanks to the surge in testosterone in boys and progesterone and estrogen in girls.
But before you can sigh and mutter Adolescence! know that they still need you. Hang in there and stay supportive. Keep offering hugs and talking to your tween. It might feel like your child has changed overnight into someone unrecognizable, but things will sort themselves out with time. This bumpy ride won’t last forever.
2. Your tween might be uncertain about those bodily changes.
I nearly choked with laughter when my friend told me about her son’s reaction to new body hair. “He was dismayed,” she said. “I’m glad he could talk to me about it, but seriously. I’m not sticking around when he’s examining the inside of his pants!” Some kids might like the new signs of adulthood, but others may be reluctant to leave childhood behind. My daughter lived in oversized sweatshirts that year, which was more than fine by me.
Try to normalize these changes by talking with your tweens about what they can expect. For me, keeping things light and avoiding intense eye contact helped make things feel less awkward.
3. Other tweens’ emotions could impact your tween’s behavior.
My friend told me her daughter’s friends deserted her for apparently no reason. “They just dropped her,” she said, tears in her eyes. I thought it could be due to the seesawing emotions kids experience in puberty. They cause kids to make inexplicable decisions.
Friendships may fray during puberty, so it’s important for us to stay tuned in to our kids’ feelings, even if they try to push us away. Parenting tweens can be hard, but your relationship with your child will benefit from your presence. Giving your children unconditional love is what moms do, but showing it during these sometimes difficult months or years is what your tween needs.
4. Demands at school will increase and may affect your tween.
Some of the grumpiness my son developed at age 12 came from the increase in schoolwork. “There’s not enough time to do what I want to do!” he often complained. With six or seven classes per day, adjusting to more responsibility can take getting used to. Factor in after-school activities, and you might have one worn-out kid by bedtime.
Try empathizing with your tween. His world is getting bigger. He’ll get used to it, but a supportive word or hug will show him he’s not doing it alone.
Try empathizing with your tween. His world is getting bigger. Click To Tweet5. For many, social awareness will kick in along with added pressure.
I remember a friend’s surprise when her son started using hair gel in middle school. “Ten minutes every morning in front of the mirror!” Fitting in with the crowd becomes more important at this age, and the pressure to conform increases.
At 12, kids are starting to figure out who they are in this big world. They may grapple with new issues and need you as a sounding board. Continue to talk with your child about your family’s values so they learn to make good decisions when you’re not around. Linger longer at bedtime. Take the scenic way home from school. Your job as a mom isn’t done; it’s just changing, along with your 12-year-old.
Parenting tweens can be terrible, but it can be terrific too. What are you excited about?
