For nearly 3 months straight, I met up with the same two moms every Sunday morning. Oh, it wasn’t a standing brunch date. Nope. It was more like a squatting church date as we hunkered down in the nursery hallway just out of sight of our wailing toddlers. All three of our kids hit their separation anxiety phase at the same time. It wasn’t pretty, and it was loud. We’d stay there until they quieted down.
If you’ve ever peeled a crying child from your arms at drop-off, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Separation anxiety typically begins around 8-10 months and peaks between 12-18 months. And when kids start preschool, it can pop up again. To help ease your child’s separation anxiety, try these 5 ideas that make those goodbyes a little less heartbreaking.
1. Keep goodbyes short and predictable.
When our little ones start crying, everything in us wants to stop and comfort them. It’s part of being a mom. We think maybe if we just stay a little longer (or squeeze in one more hug), they’ll settle down. But most of the time, dragging it out actually makes it harder on everyone.
Instead, think of it this way. Routines and rituals help young children feel safe and secure because they know what comes next. When saying goodbye looks the same every time, your child eventually stops feeling stressed because it’s a familiar A-B pattern: Mom leaves and then Mom comes back.
Try this: Establish a goodbye ritual for your child. Be sure to keep it short and predictable, even on days when Dad or Nana handles drop-off. Butterfly kisses, a koala hug, or even repeating that little ditty from Daniel the Tiger’s dad, “Grown-ups come back,” all work the same.
2. Don’t sneak out.
It’s tempting to slip out when your child is distracted. I tried it once with my oldest daughter, and she still talks about the time I “tricked her with a bunny and abandoned her.” (She’s a teen now and consequently overly dramatic.) She’s kinda right, though. I had quietly eased out of the classroom while she petted that little rabbit.
But sneaking out usually complicates the situation rather than easing a child’s anxiety. When your child doesn’t see you leave, he might feel both confused and anxious. Rather than wondering, “Where did she go?” your child can question, “When will she disappear again?” Even a tearful goodbye is more reassuring than a vanishing act.
Try this: Play peekaboo. This old-school game helps your child practice separation in a way that doesn’t stir up anxiety. You disappear… and then you come right back. Over time, that repetition helps your child understand that even when he can’t see you, you’re still there (and you will return).
3. Give your child something to hold on to.
Toddlers and preschoolers often become attached to objects that help them feel safe. Of course, they can’t articulate all that, but that’s what these objects do. My kids became emotionally tethered to “Lambie” and the tiniest piece of satin known to man. My best friend’s son carried around a wooden tomato from his toy kitchen.
When your child holds onto something that feels safe, the separation from you doesn’t feel quite as big. You might even notice your child reach for that object right as you’re leaving and start absently rubbing it. That’s your little one practicing how to self-soothe and cope with big feelings.
Try this: Let your child choose a small comfort item to bring. Make it part of the routine. And if your child is especially attached to one specific item, go ahead and get a backup. Nothing raises the stakes at drop-off—or bedtime—quite like a missing stuffed animal. You don’t want to be racing back to the grocery store at 9 p.m., frantically searching the parking lot and cart return. I speak from experience.
4. Practice in low-stakes moments.
Confidence in being away from you builds over time. So practice being apart by leaving your child with someone she already knows and trusts, like a grandparent, a neighbor, or another mom. Start small and build gradually. Ten minutes turns into thirty. Thirty turns into an hour. Each successful goodbye becomes something your child can draw on the next time.
Try this: When you come back, celebrate your child by saying something like: “You did it! You stayed with Miss Lynn and played, and I came back just like I said.” That helps your child start to believe, I can handle this.
5. Let your child know when you’ll be back.
“I’ll be back soon” doesn’t mean much to young kids. They can’t read a clock or track time the way we do, which is why separation can feel so open-ended and stressful. They need a concrete timeline anchored in their world. When your child doesn’t know when you’re coming back, it can start to feel like you might not come back at all. (Cue the separation anxiety.)
Try this: Before you leave, give a timeframe based on the routine of your child’s day: “I’ll be home to read you a bedtime story,” or “I’ll come get you when you play outside after naptime.” Use the same kind of language each time so it starts to feel familiar.
For When This Feels Really Hard
Research consistently shows that separation anxiety is actually a sign of healthy attachment. But this part of mothering feels heavy, leaving so many of us second-guessing ourselves and buried in mom guilt.
So before you leave your child, take a breath and steady yourself. You are a good mom. Your child’s attachment to you proves it. Your child is watching you—your face, your voice, even how you walk out the door—and taking their cues from you. Staying calm helps your child regulate intense emotions.
This phase won’t last. Just ask us moms who used to huddle together in the hallway. Your child will move through this separation anxiety season. For now, this is what learning to be brave looks like—for both of you.
How does your child’s separation anxiety affect your own emotions during the day?
