My son stood in the middle of the kitchen, two frozen slices of wheat bread on his plate. “How long should I put these in the microwave?” I looked up from my computer and scrutinized him. Strong body, able mind, a pimple or two. Sound. He should be able to figure this out for himself. But it wasn’t the first time he’d asked me microwave-related questions. Day-old pizza received the same question last week. So did the leftover burger yesterday. He kept asking these questions because I kept giving him answers. Answers I basically made up on the spot. “How long?” he asked. I smiled at my boy, then said, “Your guess is as good as mine.” Which was true. He furrowed his eyebrows, gave a small shrug, and slid the plate into the microwave. Then he punched a number on the keypad and waited.
My son’s always been the child who wants me to give him the answers. And I’ve almost always obliged without a second thought. But no more. Here are 6 things you can say to your teens when you want to teach your child to be self-reliant. Should you work them into your catalog of sayings too?
1. Figure it out.
In my daughter’s robotics club, “figuring it out” is how it’s done. The girls design a new robot each year to compete against other teams, and they need to figure out the parts to implement a winning design. Because it’s a competition, there’s no manual. What else can kids figure out on their own? Maybe it’s how to reset her clock after a power outage or how to organize her backpack so everything fits.
2. Look it up.
Whenever I didn’t understand a word as a child, my mom or dad would tell me to go “look it up.” Back then, I had to use a heavy dictionary. With my kids, I might have them look online or yes, slide out the dictionary from our bookshelf. It teaches kids where to find answers and that they’re capable of finding answers themselves.
3. Go and see.
“Is Dad home yet?” my daughter asked. I hadn’t heard the front door open, but I could’ve texted him or headed to the hall to find out. Instead, I told my daughter she should walk downstairs: “Go and see.” Seeking out answers puts the responsibility on my daughter. It makes her accountable. Later, when she’s in college, I want this “go and see” mentality to apply to everything from finding out if she’s eligible for a particular course to whether she can get a part-time job on campus.
Want more on building self-reliant kids? There’s a lot you can do at every age to help your children become more independent. Listen to this episode of the iMOM Podcast. And subscribe to get new episodes every Monday.
4. Ask someone else.
I worked really hard to relearn fractions, but now that we’re into algebra, I’m done. “You need to ask someone else, kiddo,” I said to my very-frustrated child late one evening. “Ask your teacher tomorrow. Ask someone in your class.” If he wants help, it’s not going to be from me. And that’s not a bad lesson to learn. As our kids grow, they’re going to be forced to seek out answers from others around them. We’re no longer by their sides all day long like we were when they were little. Being able to talk to others and ask for help develops humility, perseverance, and self-reliance.
5. Let me know.
“I’m thinking about joining the yearbook club,” my daughter told me after school. I wanted to say, “Do it! You’ll love it!” Instead, I asked, “How come?” She told me she liked the idea of taking pictures at school events. But then she also said none of her friends wanted to do it. I thought, “You’ll make new friends!” But I wanted it to be her decision, so I said, “Let me know what you decide.” By saying “let me know,” we’re giving our kids more say in what happens in their lives and we’re encouraging independence and decision-making skills.
6. Time will tell.
A natural consequence can sometimes be the best teacher. Your child thinks not washing his face is OK? Time will tell. He might get acne. And if she doesn’t think she needs to practice her instrument before the recital? Well, she might embarrass herself on stage. Sometimes our kids need to learn from experience and that will, in turn, help teach a child to be self-reliant.
Sometimes our kids need to learn from experience. Click To TweetCan you think of other sayings to help teach your child to be self-reliant?
