“You can finish your homework later,” I said, blinking back tears. “I need help with dinner.” I returned to the onion, my vision blurring. When my eyes couldn’t take it any longer, I put the knife down. “Did you hear me?” My son scowled. “I’m stuck on this math problem. Can you come here?” I hadn’t changed from work and still had to pick up my daughter from soccer. Feeling exhausted at this time of day wasn’t unusual, but with my husband out of town, I didn’t have any backup. At times like these, I get a glimpse into my single friend Kate’s life and what her typical nights must be like. She just keeps going nonstop, every hour of the day. I don’t know how she does it.
Kate has twins, plus a dog. She sold the house after the divorce and now they live in a little apartment outside of town. Longer commute, she told me, but no grass to mow. I liked her outlook. Here are 5 motherhood lessons I’ve learned from my friend who’s parenting alone.
1. There’s a hierarchy of needs.
My friend’s life changed after her divorce, and she made things easier for herself by prioritizing what mattered most. She took a break from her post-graduate courses for the first year being single and she pared down her kids’ activities to the ones the kids enjoyed most—not the ones she wanted them to do.
I’ve taken a play from my friend’s gamebook by forming my own hierarchy of needs. I can’t do it all and survive on a midnight bedtime. I learned I needed to edit my days and figure out what stayed and what needed to go to keep myself healthy physically and mentally.
2. You don’t have to feel guilty for giving the kids more work.
I didn’t grow up with a big chore list. My parents prioritized my extracurriculars and schoolwork. Even though I have my kids in sports and music lessons now too, I can’t give them a free pass at home because when my husband’s away, I need help getting meals on the table and the house picked up.
My single friend has trained her two tweens to do their own laundry. They also work together twice a week to make an easy dinner for the three of them. It’s building self-sufficiency in the kids, but it’s also giving their mom a break. I’d like my own kids to do the same, even when my husband’s home.
3. Living with less is OK.
When Kate downsized to a smaller place, she gave up a beautiful yard, the basement play space, and her newly renovated kitchen. It seemed she’d lost a lot, but it turned out she gained a lot too. The twins used to retreat to different rooms, but now they had to negotiate what to watch together. One of the twins started making bead bracelets at the kitchen table and her brother decided they should turn it into a business. Because Kate’s son couldn’t disappear in a small home, he saw his sister making bracelets and it piqued his interest.
Parenting alone might force us to give up some things, but downsizing isn’t necessarily a loss. Sometimes it can be a good thing. Unable to hide from each other, the twins appreciated each other and their talents more—something I want my kids to do.
Parenting alone might force us to give up some things, but downsizing isn’t necessarily a loss. Click To Tweet4. Moms are more capable than they think.
My husband went on another trip last week and hours after he left, the chain fell off my daughter’s bike and our dog needed an urgent bum buzz. I flipped the bike over, examined the chain and reattached it to the front gear. Voila! Then, with a little help from my daughter, I shaved the dog’s rear end and trust me, she felt much better.
Without my husband, I had to step up. I learned that a single woman’s job is to adapt to what needs to be done. When you have no choice but to try, you learn how capable you are.
5. The little things are important.
“Sorry, I’ve got the kids this weekend,” a single friend from book club told the group. “I can’t join you.” If you’re splitting time with your ex, lazy Saturday mornings watching cartoons with the kids are suddenly high on the list of importance. What might have seemed ordinary before has now become more important.
The way my single friend sees time with her kids has been a helpful motherhood lesson. It’s helped keep me from taking the time I spend with my kids for granted.
What important motherhood lessons have you learned?
